Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Really I do knit...

I did something odd I guess. I went back and read past entries of my blog...It's been a really hard year for me. I've had some really REALLY blue time. I think that maybe, just maybe I'm about done with that. While I am still looking for ways to deal with my stress and anxiety, I feel better. I still have the anxiety attacks and I still feel sad and angry alot, it doesn't seem to be in the same manic way that it was.

A dear friend of mine read my blog and told me it made her want to drink! I guess it might be time to lighten up, huh?  Though, this is where I tend to come when I need to talk something out and still will be...

I really do knit!!

I am proud to report that I finished the EZ Baby Surprise Jacket! I really don't know that I will knit this again. I think that the yarn had a lot to do with this not being a fun knit for me. I used Organic Cotton, yes...I am dumb. It really is an interesting technique and it was nice to only have to knit up the shoulders, but I am not completely sold on the pattern.

I have also finally finished my Nora Sweater. I really enjoy this sweater. I wear it alot. I actually finished the back, yoke and sleeves and seamed them together by Easter, but was really very disappointed with how it fit.  I thought that it would be a really wrap around you and snuggle sweater and it isn't.

I let it sit in time out for a couple of months and then decided to go ahead and knit the collar. Then, after talking to several people I discovered that this sweater sits at your shoulder and hangs, which is OK. I love the fact it is long, it covers my legs when I am in my chair at work and that is truly a good thing.

I finished knitting the collar and sewing it on in the truck, on the way to Clayton, July. It dawned on me that we were headed to the Northweast coast and I didn't have a sweater for the mountains. I finished this sweater about Amarillo, TX and the Cadillac Ranch.

I wore this sweater all vacation, my kids would commandeer this sweater on vacation and it is really comfortable. My only is pilly...I didn't realize that Cascade 220 would pill. The poor thing needs a shave!

I am going to try to get back more often with knitting content...not just the depths of blue. I won't say there won't be more blue, but I will try for less.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I'm At The End

There are days, I mean there are really days that I just can't go on. Days that I truly feel at the end of my rope...

Today is that day...

I work so hard, or at least I thought I did, to make things nice for my family, or at least what I think of as my family...and seems the more I do, the worse it gets.

All my life I have worked at trying to be what everyone wanted. I wanted my mother...she really didn't and still doesn't want me. I wanted my father...he didn't want me, the fact that he chose his other family over me, long story. When I married R's father, I planned on being married until one of us died...he didn't want me either, evident by the drinking and sleeping with what I thought was my my house, probably in  my bed. yeah, great.

I would really like to know what it is exactly I have done. To know what exactly I need to fix about who I am so that me being me is acceptable.

I have a daughter that to this day, regardless of what she tells me, blames me for her father not being around. I have a son that tells me that he doesn't want or need me, he's 5. I hear about how I can't keep house. I can't manage money, yet that is what I do for a living. I've been told that I'm a bad parent, R graduated with a 4.12 GPA and to the best of my knowledge is very successful at whatever she tries. She is polite and well mannered, but I'm sure I had nothing to do with that.

I had a preacher get up infront of our congregation when I was a kid and pray that I would change my sinful ways so I didn't go to hell, I mean really people...I was 16 and had to work on Sunday mornings. I was 21 when I had my oldest child, never had a DUI or been arrested for drugs.

I've lived on my own since I was 16, working all the time except when I was married to R's father, because he didn't want me to work. I work 40 plus hours a week now and I really try...

But it really just isn't enough...

And I just really don't know what to do...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Long time, no blog.

Life and dragons can be a challenge. I've also been really, really blue. While blue is a nice color and all, when you can't get away from it...that can be a problem...And it's been a problem.

I got a really poor review at work...when my boss S asked me if I wanted to keep my job or not, I took 4 days to decide to keep it.

I'm so sad some days that I just can't stand it. I try to shake it. But no matter how hard I try I just can't.

I've been having anxiety attacks. That's a new one on me. The first time it happened I thought I was having a heart attack. My chest hurt, I couldn't breathe...I was terrified. They happen alot these days.

There are days that I am so angry that I just want to kick something or someone. I just want to be left alone...those seem to be the days that everyone needs something.

Inane such awful feelings of self worth. I feellike everything that goes wrong is my fault. I know it isn't, but it still feels like it.

I ant to make changes in my life but I don't know how and I'm too scared to try because I might upset someone...

There are so many things that I have to say, that I want to say and I'm just to afraid to open my mouth. I

Friday, April 2, 2010

Birthday & Control...or lack thereof...

Well, another year has come and birthday was yesterday. I am an April's Fool and an Aries to the strictest line of the description...While most people do resolutions at New Year's, yeah...did that...I think I lasted 2 days, I have decided that as I get closer to 40, I will use my birthday as my "new year".

I feel very out of control right now..."out of sorts"...I don't know if anyone else has ever felt that way...but I do. I really feel like I am spiraling with no purpose and no destination...and it is making me crazier than I already me, I have been on the crazy train for some time now.

Homeschooling S is an experience...I have to carve out more time to take with it...I am doing everyone a great disservice by being lax in this. I just don't know where it is going to come from. Hmmm...I tend to be anal about things...more things to try to control...yeah...I hear the dragons rubbing their leathery little wings together...

My weight is out of control. The really stupid thing is...I don't know why. Mindless's a BAD thing. I would like for this month to try to be more mindful about what I put in my body. Once again, I need to make time for this and I don't know where it is going to come from. I was reading "Body + Soul" about moving toward being a vegetarian...part of this really appeals to me...but I REALLY love a steak.  I asked D about doing a "meatless" day. He said that he was up for it...we'll see how it works out.

I have been knitting...a bit on my Nora Sweater from Interweave Knits. I have the left yoke completed. the white looking yarn marks the pattern repeats and the decreases so when I sew it together I can match them up on both sides. I have the right yoke started and am at about 2 1/2 repeats of eight to get it complete. Slow progress, but it's progress. I am excited about this sweater. It has all of the things a good sweater should be. It's long, swingy and cozy...and God knows I need a new sweater!

I started this sweater on January 16 and I really didn't think it would take this long, but I have been very careful to make any corrections and to fix any problems and to check measurements. I think in the end this will make it easier to put together when finishing time comes. I am giving real thought to starting the blocking process since the pattern calls for you to "wet block" all pieces before seaming.

I have also been working on the EZ Baby Surprise Jacket. I am still really concerned about this project. Everyone says to stay the course and it will work. Everyone says that EZ is a genius. I hope so.

I am glad that I tend to buy too much yarn. I was told by my LYS that 300 yds would do it...the tiny ball at the bottom is what's left of 300yds. I am at the point where you do the "10 ridges", thankfully I have another skein of this.

I can't wait to be done with this project, simply because I really have not enjoyed it as much as I had hoped. I think that the yarn choice has a lot to do with it. The yarn is BlueSky and is organic cotton. It is hard on the hands so I only work on it a few rows at a time while sitting infront of my laptop.

I have really decided that I want to have a Zen household. I really need to find my Zen. I need to find some peace in my life. So if anyone is actually out there reading...please bear with me...

Monday, March 22, 2010


Long time no post...Life has been chaos...Dragons have been really restless.

We have recently had some very major changes to our household...big changes...changes that affect pretty much everything. Some of the changes make me sad...some scare me...alot...others...well I just don't know about yet.

My daughter R is graduating in about a month and a half...I can't begin to tell you how this affects me. I am so proud of her. She is an incredible young woman. She and I have been through a lot together...there was a time I was honestly scared of how she was going to turn out. I am so proud of how she has. She will be Valedictorian of her graduating class, accepted to the U of A on a 6-semester transcript to the Honors College with no restrictions. So proud.

On the flip side...she is moving out.

I will miss her more than I care to admit even to myself.

My other daughter S has been having some problems for the last couple of years. We aren't really sure of what has caused these is a problem. We had been able to deal with the problem because it had remained pretty private and isolated...then in one minute it was no longer private.

S had a seizure at school.

A horrible thing for anyone, but for her it was almost paralyzing...not in a physical sense thank God, but in a daily life way. S doesn't deal well with peer pressure or with teasing. She is a tender child. There were issues from very early in her childhood, these are private. The "seizures" are not true seizures, for this we are more than thankful. These are pschyogenetic non-epileptic seizures. Basically, trauma is working its way from her.  D went through a similar thing as a teen and grew out of them. We really hope she will soon. Helpless is not being able to fix a problem one of your children has.

Because of this becoming public, and other circumstances...we have chosen to homeschool her. We also had to get her insurance. Neither or our works has an insurance plan we can afford, and from what we have been told, they wouldn't cover this problem as it would be "pre-existing". The only thing that we can do is to get her on ARkids. With the economy, states have made cuts. To meet the income D has had to take a $500 cut in pay every month.

We didn't loose the payments that the $500 went to. We are acquiring a new payment to the tune of about $300 a month.  D can't make more money and keep ARkids.

That puts it on me...I'm concerned...outright worried...honestly...I'm scared.

I am sure that he realizes this, but no one seems to realize we can't spend. I wake up at night short of breath and panicing. I don't know what to do.

Everything feels so out of control right now...and it makes me crazy. Literally.

I really need some control...

My dragons are large and many...and they are roaring and breathing fire....

Monday, March 8, 2010

My New Sweater

When we last left...ages ago... there had been knitting...not alot, but some.

Well there has been more. I started an EZ Baby Surpise Jacket for one of the teachers at S's old school.

So far...I'm confused. I am very intriged by how this thing is going to come together...I just don't see it yet, but from what I am told...EZ is the "Knitting Godess" on I go.

Of course the yarn...Blue Sky Alpacas Multi Cotton,  in "Slushie", how appropriate, is a beautiful yarn. Unfortunately, it's cotton and it hurts my hands...I can't work on this for extended periods or I end up not being able to feel my hands.

I have also been working on my new sweater, the "Nora Sweater" from Interweave Knits, Winter 2009.!!!!! 

I got this yarn at Loops, in Tulsa, OK a year ago. Wonderful, wonderful Cascade 220 in Forest Green. I have 12 or 13 skeins of this stuff. I tried two or three different sweaters with it and wasn't satisfied...until now.

It has been knitting up into some of the most beautiful fabric! Soft, good drape and even better my guage is right!!!!

I have the back, minus the pleets and the back inset done.

I have to say that the inset was a welcome relief after 21 inches of stocking net. I am happy to report that it currently measures out exactly as the pattern calls for it. 

The back inset was quick, probably 2 days maximum, and when you consider that the cable patterns are not too complicated, it made it really enjoyable.

I have both of the fronts done. I thought that I was being smart and knitted them both at the same time...You know, if you don't have 3 kids and  a partner involved...I'm sure that this would be a really good idea.

I figured that it would be easier and that all of the decreases would be in the same places and when I bound off that they would be the perfect mirror image of each other...Yeah. Then as with most things...reality slapped me and laughed!!

Looking a the finished pieces, I realized that something didn't quite look "right". You know that odd feeling you get when you look at something and go "Hmmmmm...something is off.?" Well they were beautiful and identical. Off to a wade in the frog pond. I first frogged the left front back to the beginning of the short rows and re-knit. No big deal, I was ok...Then I laid out the newly finished left next to the right and then, "Hmmmmmm...something is off.?!"
The right side was about 2 inches longer than the left...I cried...I cussed and about the time I decided that I would have to frog both pieces that little voice in my head said "Hey!? If frogging to the short rows worked once...could it work...again?!" I am happy to report that yes, only about 13 rows had to be frogged and now both the right and left are behaving nicely. Nice, properly measureing, mirror images. Life is good.

Yes, I know the light is awful, but it's a picture from my iPhone. I do believe that I have mentioned just how much I love my iPhone before. I just had really crappy lighting at the time.

This is the left yoke. I have finished shaping the armholes and I am about to start the decreases. I had considered knitting both the left and right at the same time, but decided not to stress myself that much. 

So far, so good. I still really don't know what I want to name this sweater yet. For right now, I am working on it as much as possible...I REALLY need a new sweater!!

I hope to have you a finished object before long.  Life lately has been too stressful to talk about right now...but soon.

Lets just say we made some monumental changes in our childrens schooling...


Saturday, February 20, 2010

New Knitting has been happening silence...not necessarily a good thing...not necessarily a bad thing.

Life has been hectic and lets say that the hormone fairie has been in town. I have had crying jags most of the last week. Stupid stuff. I hear a person on tv cry...crying jag. Valentines day and I think about my father...crying jag. I'm at work and someone on the phone is cross...crying jag.  That really sucks. I have a doctors appointment next week so "Hello hormones!"

With the Ravolymics and Yarnharlots Knitting Olympics I started the Clapotis. I have made it before but it took me several months. I would start, frog, start. So far I have managed to get the increase rows.

I was really afraid that I was not going to have enough yarn to do the whole thing, but after weighing the first skein, I actually can add an increase and have plenty to finish.

That makes me happy.

I have also started the "Swirl Shawl". D, the kids and I were in Joplin, Mo at the Needle Niche a couple of weeks ago and we were looking around and D asked me why I didn't do something "simple" like this? He was looking at the store sample of the Swirl Shawl, he's so cute.

I did the first one with no real problem...once I learned to count to 8 and know that K2tog meant 2 and not 3. Yeah...I had a lot of trouble picking up for the second swirl. I kept doing it backward...I don't know how, but backward. The swirl was wrong side out.

They go really quickly and aren't hard. The cast on for me is the worst part. I have six done now, but I have not been working on it a lot. I have been working on the Clapotis and on my Nora Sweater.

I will post about my Nora sweater next time. I have several picture and have the back, the back inset and the fronts almost done...Pretty happy with how it is turning out.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Knit Olympics and Ravolympics if finding time to knit isn't challenging enough lets sign up to see if we can finish a project in 17 days...HELL YEAH!!!!!

I love a good challenge and a deadline...especially if it doesn't effect my paycheck :)

I had signed up for the RavOlympics then Stephanie put up her Knitting Olympics...I say why not both?

Is this illegal?  Is it unethical?  Will the knitting police come and carry away my Clapotis?

Stay tuned for updates...and if the knitting police do come, well...I'll sic a dragon on them...they are working on a Shetland Wedding Ring shawl and are none to in the mood for interuption... do you put a button on your blog?

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Zombies, Ravens, Dragons and Rain

I know, odd title...I've had a bit of stress lately. Well not just a bit, but a crapload. I don't deal well with stress. At least it seems that the older I get the harder it gets for me to deal with stress. I would really, really like to have a couple of days without stress. I don't see this happening, but I would really like for it to happen.

I have been dreaming of zombies and ravens and dragons and rain...according to the dream interpretation inner person is just really a very not so nice place right now.'s a bad thing.

I went clothes shopping yesterday and I don't know what it is about dressing room mirrors that make a person look so awful, but they do...could it be that these mirrors are the only "true" mirror. They show us as we truly are and not how we "think" we are?

I have gotten so fat, and I am adds so much stress to my life...

I just want to cry...

Monday, January 18, 2010

Changes and tears

There are many changes going on in my world right now...this makes my dragons very, very nervous. Some of the changes I have control over...most I don't. I don't like change...infact, I hate change...Just about the time that I get really comfortable with changes.

I realize that life is about change...I don't have to like it. 

I don't think that I ever posted about my New Year's here goes. My resolution this year is to pull my head out of my ass and stop with the "Ostrich syndrome" know...head in the sand...avoid and deny...yeah.  As I have heard it said "De-nile is not just a river in Egypt".

Hopefully, I can get through this without too much anxiety...but the dragons are milling about and roaring...

Friday, January 15, 2010


This is truly insanity.  To recap...Bought the yarn in Kalispel, MT at a beautiful yarn, antique and chocolate shop, "Woolen Collectibles" . This is the "perfect" shop.

Anyway, approximately 1000 yards of lace weight Misti Alpaca, size 2 Addi lace tipped needles...a car with my partner D and 3 children...3000 miles from home...and I cast on 2 minutes after I got into the Pilot.  Like I said, insanity.

Another reason I call this insanity is because instead of doing this lovely pattern in one piece like the pattern was written, I decided that I would like for both ends to have the lace face the proper direction...insanity...I. Can't. Kitchner.

There, I've said it...I can't do the kitchner looks like cold barf when I try.  These two pieces have been completed for about 3 months...I still can't kitchner...I keep thinking that I will sit down infront of the laptop and watch a few videos and get it done...yeah.  I think that I will block both sides and that will make it easier...yeah. 

What I'm really thinking is that I am going to do a three needle bind off and then block it and say to hell with it! I mean really, the seam would be at the back of my neck! Who would know?...I would. I have decided that this weekend it the time. I'm going to just break down and do it.  God help me.

I took a personal day today...It has been really nice. I don't remember the last time I was in the house by myself...I also remember why I am not good "stay at home" material. I have been totally stir crazy. I've really worked all day via my iphone, and I LOVE my iphone! My office has called me 3 times, nice to know I'm missed.  I've done laundry, I cooked a piece of beef to make enchiladas, yum! I've watched bad day time tv.

I'm ready for Monday...

Thursday, January 14, 2010


Please if you have stopped by to see whats up.  Take a minute to visit  These kind people were already in Haiti when the earthquake struck and they lost a hospital and staff members. Please see in her sidebar there is much more detail about this charity.

I was only able to give $10, but if everyone gave $5 or $10 imagine what could happen.

Also, as much as I am for helping those at home, think about how you would feel if this happend here.

Peace be with you all.  Hug your kids and loved ones and offer thanks your safe.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Well I've done it now...

Well, I did something I didn't think I would do...I added my picture and I really, really don't like the way I look.  It could have to do with the fact that I have a bit of a lazy eye, that is a story for another could be the huge red zit on my chin..gotta love mother could be that I'm so fat!! Anyway...

Well, I am in a knitting vortex...I really want to knit...I have yarn...I have needles...and the gumption...I just can't find...IT Does anyone else ever get that way? I picked up my Tree of Life afghan that is a couple of years old and have been working on that. It's on size 9 needles so it's a fairly quick knit project...but it's cream piece...kind of monotanous...not to mention, not a traveling project.

I wanted to do toe up socks...I really don't think I like toe up. I have tried to start these socks 20 times and I have finally got one toe started. I wanted to do 2 at a time, but the whole magic loop thing kills me.

I want an new sweater and have more than enough yarn...nice yarn...Rowan Silk Wool in chocolate brown...for a sweater, but the cables are identical and I want them to, if I could do it as one piece!! well...yeah.

I started a really lovely lace's pretty...simple...good travel...but...just not IT.

What it boils down to is trying to use up stash and wanting NEW, EXCITING YARN!!!! sigh...

I've also found myself waking up to the line of a MudVane song stuck in my head..."stand in the corner and scream with me!!" I think that would be take a minute and just scream. D says that it's because I'm not a "Happy Girl". I really don't think that is it. I love my family, him and the kids. I just don't feel like I have much control right now and I really hate that feeling.

I also know that I have lingering and latent issues about my father...can't explain it, would love to. It seems really strange to me that I haven't dreamt about him...he wouldn't talk to me when he was alive and now he shuns me in death...

I've been working on the weight of Sunday I'm at 296.4 lbs. Not too shabby. I would love to put a ticker on my sidebar, I can't figure out the HTML just yet but when I do I'll post it. If I could just get off the soda it would be a lot easier.

Well, the dragons are roaring and there is work to do, I'll post pictures in the next few days of the above projects...ttfn

Sunday, January 3, 2010


I really intended for this to be for January 1, but life happens...dragons roar.

303...that's the starting point. 303 lbs. I truly find that hard to believe. 2009 was a trying year. Some good, some bad.  My father died...while we didn't talk for over 2 years, I have been amazed at how this has affected me.

Searching...for who I am, for what I want...Searching

I originally wanted to do a "knit blog" to follow in the footsteps of the greats...Yarn Harlot, Grumperina, Franklin Habit...I just don't think that this is working out that way. While I will still log my knitting and crafting, I've decided to use this to work out a few things.

I don't have a following so to speak so if no one is reading it's somewhat private right? 

Anyway...I find that I am entering 2010 with much trepidation and some fear, and this is odd. While I am afraid of everything, I don't usually let it get to me, but it is. I find that I wake up at night with my heart racing thinking of all the things that I need to do, that need to be taking care of, of things I need to pay. I wake up in full panic mode.

I want to talk to people, but I don't feel like I can. I feel like I will be brushed off, that I shouldn't burden anyone else with my problems...but I have to do something.

For the first time in my life I am very self conscience of how I look...of my body. I crave attention from D but in the same instant, I don't want to disgust him with how I look. I know...stupid. I'm irratable and angry and sad and scared and I really don't know what to do.

I'm over-whelmed and can't figure out how to fix it. I look around me and my life...there is so much that I need to do and I just don't know where to start...I get to the point that I just throw up my hands and do nothing and that isn't working. On these days I just want to sit down and cry...I find that there are alot of these days.

So get ready...the dragons are roaring and I am going to deal with them here. I will be whining and crying and angry...and hopefully...I will figure out how to fix me...

I also start 2010 for the first time in my life not really wanting to do any craft...I'm at an impass with knitting. Nothing really started...and I don't know what I want to start...