Thursday, October 29, 2009


I really hate that I didn't take a picture of the hat that I knit for C, she is my boss' oldest daughter. Green Cashwool with green beads. It was one of Grumperia's designs from, "Black Sea Hat". It was lovely. 

I am still trying to finish "Insanity", I have 12 of 14 lace repeats done so maybe I can finish it this weekend. I am going to kitchner the two halves together, this should be an experience. I can't kitchner. It always looks like garter stitch. This, this is my learning curve, because, if it isn't right, the scarf won't look right...I always was a baptism by fire child. I guess it goes with my fire sign...

Speaking of fire signs...I'm an Aries...the dragons are restless....

Something in my life has to change...I am so out of center. I really can't remember the last time that I was centered. Some days I really miss having girlfriends. You know the kind of girlfriend I am talking about...the ones that you can tell anything...they don't judge, just listen...Of course who am I kidding, I never had friends like that.

I have never had a friend that I felt like I could "bare all" too. It is really strange too, I don't mind listening to people when they need to talk, but I find that I am very guarded when I talk to people. I think that part of it comes from being a kid with a very disfunctional family. Being told at a young age to keep things to myself and to "get along". I hate that...I hate "getting along".

My mother left when I was about 6 months old, my father went to long haul trucking. Funny, the people that are suppose to love me most, didn't. My grandparents stepped up and took me in. I am sure that it was not what they had planned...I mean, they had a handicapped son that needed full time care and a 6 year old son at home. I was, to put it nicely, a burden, and was made to know this.

I think that it is an awful thing for a child to deal with...hell, it's an awful thing to deal with as an adult...I find that since my father died I have alot of the old feeling surfacing...the feelings of no self worth, of being "damaged goods".

D says that my personality has totally changed in the last couple of months...this when I try to explain to him how hard the last couple of months have been. D says that I have to stop taking things do you do that when it is...

I plan to try to work through some of this crap...hopefully the dragons won't roar too much tonight...

Friday, October 23, 2009

Beaded Scarf

As I sit here with my Pooh mug of polluted cranberry juice I sigh hard and I am so thankful that it is Friday. I have had a very long week...It seems like all I can hear any more is dragons roaring...My stress levels are so high right now.

My children are having a hard week. S has been sick, hopfully just allergies and not the awful H1N1. She has also had a rough week in school. I hope that soon she is back to her self. It's never fun when your child is sick.

R is in Kansas City with JM. They went to meet some of his family. I guess if they are going to get married she needs to meet his family. He is a nice young man. They are just so young...

J he is just a ball of energy and spit...never a still or quiet moment. I hope that it is pretty tomorrow...I HATE rainy Saturdays. If it rains he can't get outside and play...I hate him watching TV all weekend.

D has had major issues with S and with his work. We were afraid that we were going from a 2 income to a 1 income house for a while this week...Maybe no...I hope not.

My boss has told me this week that he wants to make my job easier for me so I can have more responsibility...great...never enough, never good enough...I guess really the never good enough is not true but somedays...I have drank more soda this week and eaten more crap...I realllllyyyy have to find new ways to deal with stress besides eating and not sleeping.

I am going to do a hat for my boss and his wife though. I made one for his youngest daughter and she and both of them loved it.  I need to make one for his older daughter. In green with purple beads! I think C will love it. Green is a good color for her. I'm going to start it this weekend. I'm going to do the "Black Sea Hat" from, I think it will work really well for her. I made her "Odessa" for A so I think it will work beautifully.

Since I have stated something about this being a knitting blog I thought I would show some knitting.  This is a beaded scarf that I bought as a kit at "Hand Held Knitting" in Fayetteville, AR,

It is knit in two pieces and then a three needle bind off. I think it would have been nice if I could have kitchnered the ends together but it was all garter stitch so I don't think it would have worked very well.  I think that the worst part of this was putting all the beads on the yarn.  That took forever.

I have actually worn this, I wore it to my fathers funeral. All of the beads make it heavy and it stretches it. It was a fun knit though and I think I would try it on my own since I have the pattern.

Well, I think I shall go and browse the blog land and pollute myself a bit...I might even go soak in the tub. R gave me a book to read, "American Psycho" by Ellis, I haven't seen the movie so it should be a good read. 

Hopefully my dragons will have lace to knit tonight and I will be able to sleep...ttfn

Thursday, October 22, 2009

If I'm In Charge...We Are In Serious Trouble...

Around my house D and I joke back and forth about who is in charge. I say he is and he says I am...of course he says I'm a bully...Anyway, lately, my brain is just jumbled. I cannot seem to find my chi, my Zen, my center. I feel very unsettled lately. Maybe is the season change...maybe it is the holiday season coming up...maybe it's my age, I don't know, I just know I can't center myself.

I feel like so many things are out of balance and that so many things are out of control. I need some peace...and I can't find it.

I would love to find one thing that I could get undercontrol and then go from there. It's like there is so much that I need to do that I can't get anything done because I am so overwhelmed that I can't find a place to start. This is totally SIL became a "dislocated worker" this year and at 50ish went back to college for an accounting degree. She really has been very anxious and upset because she was panicing looking at the big picture and becoming overwhelmed with the whole process. I would call, she would talk about the panic and I would tell her to stop looking at the whole and focus on the steps. To look at it one step at a time. Don't think about the total of what you have to do. Focus on what is at hand...yeah...I know take your own advice.

I guess that the advice worked for her, that and several hours of accounting tutoring, I have been doing accounting  work for the last 20 plus years, she got a 99% on her big project and has been working with a group at her college to get past the freezing when testing and is doing really well. Of course her confronting her 4th year professor, yeah Ph. d. and no teaching skills, and now he is helping her too and has changed some of his teaching stratagies for the better. I am sure that like everything else, teaching has a large learning curve. Everyone benefitted. That is really good.

I find that I am torn in life. I have issues in my past and childhood that make me want to make everyone happy and I tend to naturally take care of everyone...everyone but me. I feel really selfish when I want to do things just for me, but somedays...somedays I really just want a chaise lounge, a vodca and tonic, a good book, my iPhone/iPod and ear buds, some knitting and a day...just a day.

Oh well...maybe if I show my dragons the "Candle Flame Stole" pattern...I have a beautiful "Passion Fruit" silk laceweight by "Claudia"...maybe that will tempt them....

Monday, October 19, 2009


It has been Monday allllll day long. Work is stressful. I work in the railroad industry. I have worked for my boss for almost 3 years now. When I got the job it was to answer the phone and run the occasional errand. Now...I am basically the Controller for 5 leasing and management companies. I wear many, many hats.

I have been trying to get some things finished up in my knitting. I have been working on my "Belt Bag". It is a Rowan pattern from "Classic Style Book 16". 

The pattern calls for using Silk Wool but I couldn't see using Silk Wool for something that could end up sitting on the floor. So I decided to use Brown Sheep's Cotton Fleece.

It is really knitting up beautifully. The cables stand up beautifully. I have to admit though that this pattern has really kicked my butt. I had to start this 4 times. I had the worst time setting up the pattern. I hope to finish it soon. All I have to finish is the center strip that makes the sides and bottom and there is a band that goes around the purse, so not much left.

I went to my step mothers house on Friday night. It was really weird being there. I had not been back to her house since my father died. Her oldest son and his family had come up from Little Rock for the weekend.

I really don't understand how it is that my father died and I got my step mother as an inheritance. I mean she has two sons but she calls me when she is stressed and needs to know what to do. This really bothers me. I mean the woman has flat out told me that she doesn't like me, thinks I am a bad person and an even worse parent, so I just don't get it.

Plus, she keeps asking me what I want. I don't know how to answer that. He use to carry a silver dollar from the year I was born, I thought that would be nice, but nope, he apparently lost that about the time he quit taking my calls. Then, since I have a bit of experience with cars and the fact that he wanted a boy...I changed my first transmission at 15, that I would like some of his tools. Don't misunderstand, I offered to buy them. Nope. So I really don't know how to answer her when she asks what I want.

It all makes me very uncomfortable.

I am so out of sorts right now. I just can't seem to find my center

Did you hear that? My dragons are restless....

Saturday, October 17, 2009


Saturdays in my house usually have something of a rhythm you could say...the baby, aka my 4 almost 5 year old, wakes up me and D, D growls at J to go back to bed...I might add that it is usually around 6 am. On a school takes an act of God to get him up. After a couple more wake up calls from J, I get up and turn on cartoons for him and go back to bed. I watch a couple of shows then get up and grind coffee and go back to lay down while it brews.

D and I will get up and J will migrate to our room to watch cartoons or he will dress to go out and play. R the oldest child in the house is usually up and doing her laundry...yeessss, she does her own laundry...and she is normally getting ready to get picked up by Boy, aka my soon to be son-in-law. If not she usually is working on homework.

After a bit of coffee and crappy slasher movie, yes we watch crap on Saturdays, I start getting breakfast or lunch...depends on how you look at it. It is usually 10:30 am or 11am by this time. S might make an appearance to see if breakfast is being fixed, but normally she doesn't come out until breakfast.

After breakfast there is spotty housework, I hate to clean...and unfortunately it shows, D and S usually snuggle and watch TV, J is either watching cartoons, tormenting his sisters or outside...usually a combination of all three.

Me...I'm a controll freak...only one cooperates. I usually work on laundry and dishes. I knit or sew and I read blogs and do a bit of work from my iPhone. I LOVE my iPhone. Handiest piece of electronic equipment second only to my laptop.  I try to talk to my SIL in Kansas on Saturdays or Sundays. She is one of my favorite people.

I think I may try and finish my "Belt Bag" today.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I Dream Of Dragons...

I'm tired...I mean really, truly tired. The kind of tired that you just want to lay down and say "I quit"...This means that I dream of dragons...

When I was pregnant with my youngest child, my son J, I was so very stressed. J was not really planned and mind you I wouldn't take the world for him, but the stress level was incredible. In my dreams I would consistantly have to deal with dragons. In fact, I was quoted as saying in my sleep "Stupid Dragons". So now, when I am stressed I dream of dragons...

To say the least...I have had several nights of dreaming of dragons...

I'm stressed about work, I'm stressed about money, I'm stressed about bills, I'm stressed about hateful children, yes, unfortunately they are mine, I'm stressed about my weight, I'm stressed about this thing with my step-mother and my dad's final bills. Mind you she didn't ask for money, but I still feel like I am responsible, I'm stressed about the house being messy, I'm stressed about laundry not being done, I'm stressed about feeding my family...I'm STRESSED!!!!

I lay down at night and my brain goes into overdrive and I start thinking about all of the things that I need to do and have to do and what I need to do and what bills need paid and the list goes on for infinity.  D says to just close my eyes and go to sleep...I try this, I really do...when I sleep I dream about my dragons...each stress is it's own dragon.

My dragons are very restless...this is why I want them to knit lace...then they will be to busy to bother me...

Saturday, October 10, 2009

A little thing I like to call insanity...

Here is a little something that I like to call "Insanity". I started this lovely little lace job while on vacation...a car trip...with 3, yes 3 kids, 17, 13 and 4 and my partner D. I bought this project including the lovely lace needles called "Addies" in Kalispell, MT at "Woolen Collectibles" This is by far, the perfect yarn shop. This shop also houses antiques and handmade I said, the perfect yarn shop. Did I mention that this is lace weight Misty Alpaca? On size 2 lace needles? Did I also mention that I walked out of the store, got in the car and cast-on as we headed to Salt Lake City, UT? Like I said, "Insanity".

The pattern name is "Kiara and it was created by Tammy Eigeman Thompson. I have changed it just a bit. I added one repeat wide and instead of knitting it in one piece I have decided to do it in two halves and then kitchner the halves together so the lace is the proper direction on each end.

This project is 2 skeins of Misty Alpaca and even buying the pattern, needles and four skeins of yarn, I was out of the shop for about $45. I was pretty happy about that.  My step-mother called me this morning.

Always a good time. For some reason, she only calls me when she wants affirmation that the things she is doing is right, or at least that I think they are right. It makes no sense to me. She keeps asking me what I want that was his, my fathers. I don't quite know what I should "want". I mean the man and I haven't I mean hadn't talked in 2 years. He didn't raise me. Infact, one time he actually told me that if he had know that things would turn out the way they did he wouldn't have had any kids.  So what do you say to that?  Oh well, I guess I will figure it out. I hope so any way.
I also found out today that the total charges for his funeral and the hospital bill come to about $13,500. Yeah. I also found out that after making all of her payments my step-mother only has $340 a month for food, gas and essentials. Yeah. Funny, how is it that I aquire debt for a man that didn't raise me?
I have a feeling that there will be dragons in my dreams...                       

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A Couple of Pictures...Ok One Picture

This is a Clapotis that I knit out of Fiesta Ballet in Jamacia Spice colorway. I got this at Hand Held Knitting just off the Square in Fayetteville, AR. This is a great local yarn shop. The owners, Joy and Colleen, are wonderful.

I knit this on size 8 circulars, nothing special, good old Coates and Clarks circulars that I got from the WM.  I was about a year or so behind the wave that went with the Clapotis, but I loved the pattern from the first time that I saw it. I just had to find "the" yarn.

My father passed away on September 5th, suddenly. We hadn't spoken in alittle over 2 years, his choice. He had a massive heart attack while working a wrecker call on I-540 early that morning. I don't know how many times that I called his cell that he didn't answer or return. I am sure that he had his reasons...anyway...after I received the call my family and I went down to my step-mother's house to do what needed done. I took her the Clapotis. I don't know that she will ever use it, for that matter, she may have already thrown it away or given it away. Something, however, said that she needed it. Hopefully it will give her comfort, you know, like being wrapped up in a hug. Comfort for the soul...

I went with her to make the arrangements for his funeral, I still don't know why she wanted me there. I think that D hit it on the head, I was her "knee breaker". Everyone around her was trying to tell her what she wanted and I more or less, in my diplomatic way, told them to leave her alone. That she was doing a fine job and that the decisions that she was making were good ones and I wouldn't change them. I stood behind her, I gave her support in the best way I knew how...Approval and acceptance.

R, my oldest girl, had her birthday and we invited my step-mother and I have invited her to our house a couple of times...we are too out of the way...I made the offer, you know, you can lead a horse to water...

I time...I'll tell you about my Dragons...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

As if I didn't have enough on my plate...

Well, I love to read blogs, generally knit blogs, but I've had a really rough month and need a place to work some things out.

I love, love, LOVE to knit and cook and quilt and all of those things that generally really irritate people that don't. You know, people that don't understand why you would knit socks when you can buy them. Or, "Why would you cut up all that material just to sew it back together? Why not just go buy a blanket?" obviously these people are NOT on the receiving end of the work.  But really, we know that it isn't really work. 

I love when people say "I don't have the patience to do that." If it wasn't for the knitting and such I would have less patience than I already do. I have that awful problem with not being able to sit still and do nothing. I find that I directly apply my general worth with how much I am doing. Totally wacked in the head, I know.

Anyway, I work approximately 45 hours a week and come home to my family...truly, I can't think of any other place that I would rather be than with my family. We are not really the norm, but what is normal.  My partner D and I were both single parents. He had a son and a daughter, he is raising his daughter. I have a daughter and a son. Needless to say, we have a houseful.

For the record...the "Brady Bunch"...they LIED!!!!!  I am sure that there are those of you out there that know, blending is NOT easy. Of course...I think that Alice helped. I'm sure that I would be much easier to get along with if I didn't take care of 3 kids everyday. tee hee!

I hope to post a few pictures of works in process soon. I need to get a compact flash card to dedicate just to my blog so I don't have to worry about my pics getting lost or deleted.

More soon...I'll explain more about the dragons next time.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


Well, I didn't think that I would do this...but here we go.

Hopefully, getting my Dragons to knit lace will calm them down. More soon...