303...searching

I really intended for this to be for January 1, but life happens...dragons roar.

303...that's the starting point. 303 lbs. I truly find that hard to believe. 2009 was a trying year. Some good, some bad.  My father died...while we didn't talk for over 2 years, I have been amazed at how this has affected me.

Searching...for who I am, for what I want...Searching

I originally wanted to do a "knit blog" to follow in the footsteps of the greats...Yarn Harlot, Grumperina, Franklin Habit...I just don't think that this is working out that way. While I will still log my knitting and crafting, I've decided to use this to work out a few things.

I don't have a following so to speak so if no one is reading it's somewhat private right? 

Anyway...I find that I am entering 2010 with much trepidation and some fear, and this is odd. While I am afraid of everything, I don't usually let it get to me, but it is. I find that I wake up at night with my heart racing thinking of all the things that I need to do, that need to be taking care of, of things I need to pay. I wake up in full panic mode.

I want to talk to people, but I don't feel like I can. I feel like I will be brushed off, that I shouldn't burden anyone else with my problems...but I have to do something.

For the first time in my life I am very self conscience of how I look...of my body. I crave attention from D but in the same instant, I don't want to disgust him with how I look. I know...stupid. I'm irratable and angry and sad and scared and I really don't know what to do.

I'm over-whelmed and can't figure out how to fix it. I look around me and my life...there is so much that I need to do and I just don't know where to start...I get to the point that I just throw up my hands and do nothing and that isn't working. On these days I just want to sit down and cry...I find that there are alot of these days.

So get ready...the dragons are roaring and I am going to deal with them here. I will be whining and crying and angry...and hopefully...I will figure out how to fix me...

I also start 2010 for the first time in my life not really wanting to do any craft...I'm at an impass with knitting. Nothing really started...and I don't know what I want to start...