Personality.....

I really hate that I didn't take a picture of the hat that I knit for C, she is my boss' oldest daughter. Green Cashwool with green beads. It was one of Grumperia's designs from http://www.grumperina.com/, "Black Sea Hat". It was lovely. 

I am still trying to finish "Insanity", I have 12 of 14 lace repeats done so maybe I can finish it this weekend. I am going to kitchner the two halves together, this should be an experience. I can't kitchner. It always looks like garter stitch. This, this is my learning curve, because, if it isn't right, the scarf won't look right...I always was a baptism by fire child. I guess it goes with my fire sign...

Speaking of fire signs...I'm an Aries...the dragons are restless....

Something in my life has to change...I am so out of center. I really can't remember the last time that I was centered. Some days I really miss having girlfriends. You know the kind of girlfriend I am talking about...the ones that you can tell anything...they don't judge, just listen...Of course who am I kidding, I never had friends like that.

I have never had a friend that I felt like I could "bare all" too. It is really strange too, I don't mind listening to people when they need to talk, but I find that I am very guarded when I talk to people. I think that part of it comes from being a kid with a very disfunctional family. Being told at a young age to keep things to myself and to "get along". I hate that...I hate "getting along".

My mother left when I was about 6 months old, my father went to long haul trucking. Funny, the people that are suppose to love me most, didn't. My grandparents stepped up and took me in. I am sure that it was not what they had planned...I mean, they had a handicapped son that needed full time care and a 6 year old son at home. I was, to put it nicely, a burden, and was made to know this.

I think that it is an awful thing for a child to deal with...hell, it's an awful thing to deal with as an adult...I find that since my father died I have alot of the old feeling surfacing...the feelings of no self worth, of being "damaged goods".

D says that my personality has totally changed in the last couple of months...this when I try to explain to him how hard the last couple of months have been. D says that I have to stop taking things personal...how do you do that when it is...

I plan to try to work through some of this crap...hopefully the dragons won't roar too much tonight...