Sunday, November 1, 2009


That's what's going to happen...I'm going to crack. I can't explain exactly why, but fu#$! I am so STRESSED!!! It's to the point that I just can't. There are not many times in life that I say "I can't", but...I...just...can't.

I am to the point that I have to figure out how to deal with it...or I'm going to crack. I dream all the time about all of the things that I need to do, what I haven't done, of what I am not doing enough of...of not being worthy, of not having the self worth to be in my home...I know it's stupid...but this is how I feel right now.

I have to say, I really believe that alot of it comes from my father dying, and that truly suprises me...I mean, I really didn't expect it to affect me like this. He wasn't a part of my life, I wasn't worth his time, or so it seemed. He always had better things to do than be with what does that say about my worth as a person. I mean mother, my father...the woman that raised me. They all chose others and other things over me, so, where does that put my worth as a person?

I really truly hate whinning and complaining...ask my kids. I am a big if you aren't going to do anything about the problem, then don't complain. I don't believe in feeling sorry for yourself...there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse, ALWAYS. I'm healthy, I'm warm, I'm fed, I'm clothed, I have a job, I have a home, most children are also healthy, warm, fed and clothed. I have no reason to complain or whine, but some days...some days I just want to sit with my head in my hands and cry...maybe that is what I need to do, to sit and cry...

I realize that everyone needs release. D tells me constantly to relax, I just...can't. I don't know how! How studpid is that???

The really scary thing is that I know it hurts my relationships, both with D and the kids, but with others. I joke about it with some people and call it my "border collie" syndrome. Anyone that has had a border collie will understand. I feel the constant need to be busy, taking care of someone...anyone but me...I feel like I must take care of and make people happy to be allowed to remain.

I want to be done grieving...I want to be done being the little girl being told to be get not be a burden and being told that I am a burden...I want my dragons to knit pay attention to something besides me...I don't want to be the little girl that people whispered about, how both her mother and father left her...

I want to know...or rather...understand why the people that were suppose to love me the most, chose others, including my ex-husband, over me. What is so wrong with me that they didn't want me? What did I do to make these people not want me?

It really sucks to be 5 again...then there is always the guilt.........

No comments:

Post a Comment