Crack....

That's what's going to happen...I'm going to crack. I can't explain exactly why, but fu#$! I am so STRESSED!!! It's to the point that I just can't. There are not many times in life that I say "I can't", but...I...just...can't.

I am to the point that I have to figure out how to deal with it...or I'm going to crack. I dream all the time about all of the things that I need to do, what I haven't done, of what I am not doing enough of...of not being worthy, of not having the self worth to be in my home...I know it's stupid...but this is how I feel right now.

I have to say, I really believe that alot of it comes from my father dying, and that truly suprises me...I mean, I really didn't expect it to affect me like this. He wasn't a part of my life, I wasn't worth his time, or so it seemed. He always had better things to do than be with me...so what does that say about my worth as a person. I mean really...my mother, my father...the woman that raised me. They all chose others and other things over me, so, where does that put my worth as a person?

I really truly hate whinning and complaining...ask my kids. I am a big if you aren't going to do anything about the problem, then don't complain. I don't believe in feeling sorry for yourself...there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse, ALWAYS. I'm healthy, I'm warm, I'm fed, I'm clothed, I have a job, I have a home, most importantly...my children are also healthy, warm, fed and clothed. I have no reason to complain or whine, but some days...some days I just want to sit with my head in my hands and cry...maybe that is what I need to do, to sit and cry...

I realize that everyone needs release. D tells me constantly to relax, I just...can't. I don't know how! How studpid is that???

The really scary thing is that I know it hurts my relationships, both with D and the kids, but with others. I joke about it with some people and call it my "border collie" syndrome. Anyone that has had a border collie will understand. I feel the constant need to be busy, taking care of someone...anyone but me...I feel like I must take care of and make people happy to be allowed to remain.

I want to be done grieving...I want to be done being the little girl being told to be quiet...to get alone...to not be a burden and being told that I am a burden...I want my dragons to knit lace...to pay attention to something besides me...I don't want to be the little girl that people whispered about, how both her mother and father left her...

I want to know...or rather...understand why the people that were suppose to love me the most, chose others, including my ex-husband, over me. What is so wrong with me that they didn't want me? What did I do to make these people not want me?

It really sucks to be 5 again...then there is always the guilt.........