I'm Angry...

I'm so angry right now...I don't really know how to describe it. I'm just angry!

Have you ever had a day that you just could not explain it, or rather you could but no one will listen? That's where I am at....

I'm angry at my boss. I am angry at my house...I really, REALLY want Alice for Christmas...I'm angry at my weight, as I ate 2 sausage cheese biscuits, have a large Dr. Pepper and have plans on pecan pie and another Dr. Pepper and leftover pizza for later. I'm angry with my hair. I'm angry with alot of the people in my house. Most of all, I think I am angry at my father and family, current household excluded.

I really wonder how much anger is really a part of the grieving process. I mean, usually when you hear people talk about grief anger is mentioned but not really mentioned...I'm here to tell you...I'm angry.

I'm angry with him for not putting me first. I'm angry at me for not trying harder, never enough, never good enough. I'm angry with my mother for leaving and then having more children that she kept. I'm angry with my mother for not wanting to meet me until her daughter Christy was killed. Yeah, find out you have a sister and that she was killed on the same day. BIG FUN. I'm angry with her that whenever I see her out an about alone she is all lovey dovey, but when she is with someone she doesn't know who I am. That Bites!! I'm angry with my grandmother, God rest her soul, for picking O, my ex, over me. I'm angry for all the times as a child that I was made to feel bad for being a burden and then being told that I was too independent for my own good. Over the years that has been a very useful thing. I'm angry for being told as a child that I "wasn't part of the family". A child should never be told something like that. I'm angry that when she died, I was the last one contacted...

I'm angry that when my father died, I was the last one contacted. That sucked. I'm angry with my Step-mother Di for making life miserable for him when I was around or where I was concerned. I'm angry with Di for always telling me what a bad person I am and then when he died saying how much she loves me and how welcome I am, bull shit. I'm angry that Di calls me and asked what I would like that was my fathers and then telling me oh no, you can't have that.

I'm angry that my father wanted boys and that I wasn't enough. Yes, I know this for a fact. When I was 15 he informed me that if he had know how having children was going to turn out, he would have never had them. Yeah, nuff said...

I'm really angry that I can't seem to get centered and find some balance and peace, because man...I need some peace. I'm angry that I never feel like I'm good enough to be "enough" for anyone.

For once in my life...I would like to be enough, do enough, make enough and for once, be the most important person in someones life or somewhere close to it....

It really makes me angry to feel ashamed for being angry, and to feel like I'm whining and feeling sorry for myself...so yeah, I'm ANGRY!!!!!