New Year - New Goals

Well, well, well...

I really can't belive that I haven't blogged since October! I am such a slacker...of course that could be why...more on that later.

Anyway...There is so much going on in my life right now...other than the fact I can't get my laptop to cooperate with me...I have a "0" birthday this year, never a good thing...I'm morbidly obese, I really have issues with a Dr. that weighs approximately 350 lbs telling me to loose weight...and I got fired.

That's right, I got fired...and it kills me. I knew that it was coming...you know how you get a feeling in the pit of your stomache? Yeah, I had had mine for about 6 months...D and I bought a house, 3 blocks from either one of our offices...we moved and a month to the day, my boss or rather ex-boss moved us 30 minutes north. I should have seen it coming...

D's sister has been out of work for 2 years now...I'm terrified...I don't know what to do...I'm stressed...and as selfish and as horrible as it sounds...I'm relieved. D said that it is only natural as the job had been stressing me to the point of breaking for years now, but I feel like I shouldn't feel that way. So many people out of work and unable to find work, and I'm relieved...but I am so SCARED...

The "what if" game has begun in my head and now I can't get it to stop. We are all so stressed and it's my fault...and I don't know when I will get a new job...

Talk about a way to start out the new year...I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

On a different note...I do knit. I did the Echo Flower Shawl, http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/echo-flower-shawl, by Jenny Johnson Johnen. It turned out to be a beautiful shawl and my friend J loved it. Purple is her color, and it's silk...I have a thing for silk. The yarn is, Sundara Aran Silky Merino that I received a couple of years ago in a club that I joined, http://www.ravelry.com/yarns/library/sundara-yarn-aran-silky-merino.

True to form...I knit this...in the car...on vacation...Yes, Virginia, I am insane. Who in their right mind knits lace in the car, on vacation, going across country...literally? Me.

This was my first attempt at nupps and I LOVE NUPPS!!!!!! I cannot think of a reason that I will ever have to knit another bobble...EVER!!! I will make a nupp!!!! They were so much fun to knit.

J loved the shawl and when our group, the Knaughty Knitters, had our Christmas dinner, she wore it and it was lovely on her. I have to say that it pleased me greatly to see her wearing it. It is always nice to see someone wear what you knit for them.

I have been doing other knitting, but I don't have a picture of it yet. I have been knitting a really beautiful lace baby blanket. One of the waitresses where we have dinner on Sundays with D's dad is pregnant and I think it will make her happy.

Also, our group has been talking about doing the Advent Scarf...Yes, we know that Christmas is over. This way, maybe we will all have a lovely new scarf/shawl for next Christmas!

I'm starting the year out...Fat...a "0" birthday looming in the future...and unemployeed...

I am actively looking for work...that's in God's hands...

I can't change the birthday...and after the whipped cream incident with D on his birthday...I am pretty sure that forgetting about it isn't going to happen, I won't leave the house on my birthday...but anyway...

That leaves...FAT. This I can work on and I plan to. There are many changes that I can make...as I look at the bottle of water that sits in the place where my soda would normally sit...and I intend to work on it. We are looking at getting an eliptical machine, I'm told I'll love it, now though...I am sure I will have fun walking around my neighborhood...I need to make a little bag to hang on my arm so I can knit while I walk!!!!

I plan on cooking more...healthier food...better food. I find that the older I am getting the more I think about what is going in my body and the bodies of those I love and I really want to put Premium in and not the whole E-85 ethonal in our tanks...Oh yeah, those who think ethonal is a good idea...look into how much fuel and energy it takes to create it and don't complain about the rising food costs.

I intend to start incorporating more local, sustainable and as organic as finances will allow. More veggie and less over processed white with no nutrition...I'll keep you posted...I did make a really nice chicken primavera risotto that D and the kids ate and liked...so I am hopeful.

I have hopes of blogging more...no promises, but I am going to try. It isn't like anyone reads this anyway.

Really I do knit...

I did something odd I guess. I went back and read past entries of my blog...It's been a really hard year for me. I've had some really REALLY blue time. I think that maybe, just maybe I'm about done with that. While I am still looking for ways to deal with my stress and anxiety, I feel better. I still have the anxiety attacks and I still feel sad and angry alot, it doesn't seem to be in the same manic way that it was.

A dear friend of mine read my blog and told me it made her want to drink! I guess it might be time to lighten up, huh?  Though, this is where I tend to come when I need to talk something out and still will be...

I really do knit!!

I am proud to report that I finished the EZ Baby Surprise Jacket! I really don't know that I will knit this again. I think that the yarn had a lot to do with this not being a fun knit for me. I used Organic Cotton, yes...I am dumb. It really is an interesting technique and it was nice to only have to knit up the shoulders, but I am not completely sold on the pattern.


I have also finally finished my Nora Sweater. I really enjoy this sweater. I wear it alot. I actually finished the back, yoke and sleeves and seamed them together by Easter, but was really very disappointed with how it fit.  I thought that it would be a really wrap around you and snuggle sweater and it isn't.

I let it sit in time out for a couple of months and then decided to go ahead and knit the collar. Then, after talking to several people I discovered that this sweater sits at your shoulder and hangs, which is OK. I love the fact it is long, it covers my legs when I am in my chair at work and that is truly a good thing.

I finished knitting the collar and sewing it on in the truck, on the way to Clayton, NM...in July. It dawned on me that we were headed to the Northweast coast and I didn't have a sweater for the mountains. I finished this sweater about Amarillo, TX and the Cadillac Ranch.

I wore this sweater all vacation, my kids would commandeer this sweater on vacation and it is really comfortable. My only complaint...it is pilly...I didn't realize that Cascade 220 would pill. The poor thing needs a shave!

I am going to try to get back more often with knitting content...not just the depths of blue. I won't say there won't be more blue, but I will try for less.

I'm At The End

There are days, I mean there are really days that I just can't go on. Days that I truly feel at the end of my rope...

Today is that day...

I work so hard, or at least I thought I did, to make things nice for my family, or at least what I think of as my family...and yet...it seems the more I do, the worse it gets.

All my life I have worked at trying to be what everyone wanted. I wanted my mother...she really didn't and still doesn't want me. I wanted my father...he didn't want me, the fact that he chose his other family over me, long story. When I married R's father, I planned on being married until one of us died...he didn't want me either, evident by the drinking and sleeping with what I thought was my friend...in my house, probably in  my bed. yeah, great.

I would really like to know what it is exactly I have done. To know what exactly I need to fix about who I am so that me being me is acceptable.

I have a daughter that to this day, regardless of what she tells me, blames me for her father not being around. I have a son that tells me that he doesn't want or need me, he's 5. I hear about how I can't keep house. I can't manage money, yet that is what I do for a living. I've been told that I'm a bad parent, R graduated with a 4.12 GPA and to the best of my knowledge is very successful at whatever she tries. She is polite and well mannered, but I'm sure I had nothing to do with that.

I had a preacher get up infront of our congregation when I was a kid and pray that I would change my sinful ways so I didn't go to hell, I mean really people...I was 16 and had to work on Sunday mornings. I was 21 when I had my oldest child, never had a DUI or been arrested for drugs.

I've lived on my own since I was 16, working all the time except when I was married to R's father, because he didn't want me to work. I work 40 plus hours a week now and I really try...

But it really just isn't enough...

And I just really don't know what to do...

Sad...lonely...Alice

Long time, no blog.

Life and dragons can be a challenge. I've also been really, really blue. While blue is a nice color and all, when you can't get away from it...that can be a problem...And it's been a problem.

I got a really poor review at work...when my boss S asked me if I wanted to keep my job or not, I took 4 days to decide to keep it.

I'm so sad some days that I just can't stand it. I try to shake it. But no matter how hard I try I just can't.

I've been having anxiety attacks. That's a new one on me. The first time it happened I thought I was having a heart attack. My chest hurt, I couldn't breathe...I was terrified. They happen alot these days.

There are days that I am so angry that I just want to kick something or someone. I just want to be left alone...those seem to be the days that everyone needs something.

Inane such awful feelings of self worth. I feellike everything that goes wrong is my fault. I know it isn't, but it still feels like it.

I ant to make changes in my life but I don't know how and I'm too scared to try because I might upset someone...

There are so many things that I have to say, that I want to say and I'm just to afraid to open my mouth. I

Birthday & Control...or lack thereof...

Well, another year has come and gone...my birthday was yesterday. I am an April's Fool and an Aries to the strictest line of the description...While most people do resolutions at New Year's, yeah...did that...I think I lasted 2 days, I have decided that as I get closer to 40, I will use my birthday as my "new year".

I feel very out of control right now..."out of sorts"...I don't know if anyone else has ever felt that way...but I do. I really feel like I am spiraling with no purpose and no destination...and it is making me crazier than I already am...trust me, I have been on the crazy train for some time now.

Homeschooling S is an experience...I have to carve out more time to take with it...I am doing everyone a great disservice by being lax in this. I just don't know where it is going to come from. Hmmm...I tend to be anal about things...more things to try to control...yeah...I hear the dragons rubbing their leathery little wings together...

My weight is out of control. The really stupid thing is...I don't know why. Mindless eating...it's a BAD thing. I would like for this month to try to be more mindful about what I put in my body. Once again, I need to make time for this and I don't know where it is going to come from. I was reading "Body + Soul" about moving toward being a vegetarian...part of this really appeals to me...but I REALLY love a steak.  I asked D about doing a "meatless" day. He said that he was up for it...we'll see how it works out.

I have been knitting...a bit on my Nora Sweater from Interweave Knits. I have the left yoke completed. the white looking yarn marks the pattern repeats and the decreases so when I sew it together I can match them up on both sides. I have the right yoke started and am at about 2 1/2 repeats of eight to get it complete. Slow progress, but it's progress. I am excited about this sweater. It has all of the things a good sweater should be. It's long, swingy and cozy...and God knows I need a new sweater!

I started this sweater on January 16 and I really didn't think it would take this long, but I have been very careful to make any corrections and to fix any problems and to check measurements. I think in the end this will make it easier to put together when finishing time comes. I am giving real thought to starting the blocking process since the pattern calls for you to "wet block" all pieces before seaming.

I have also been working on the EZ Baby Surprise Jacket. I am still really concerned about this project. Everyone says to stay the course and it will work. Everyone says that EZ is a genius. I hope so.

I am glad that I tend to buy too much yarn. I was told by my LYS that 300 yds would do it...the tiny ball at the bottom is what's left of 300yds. I am at the point where you do the "10 ridges", thankfully I have another skein of this.

I can't wait to be done with this project, simply because I really have not enjoyed it as much as I had hoped. I think that the yarn choice has a lot to do with it. The yarn is BlueSky and is organic cotton. It is hard on the hands so I only work on it a few rows at a time while sitting infront of my laptop.

I have really decided that I want to have a Zen household. I really need to find my Zen. I need to find some peace in my life. So if anyone is actually out there reading...please bear with me...

Lately

Long time no post...Life has been chaos...Dragons have been really restless.

We have recently had some very major changes to our household...big changes...changes that affect pretty much everything. Some of the changes make me sad...some scare me...alot...others...well I just don't know about yet.

My daughter R is graduating in about a month and a half...I can't begin to tell you how this affects me. I am so proud of her. She is an incredible young woman. She and I have been through a lot together...there was a time I was honestly scared of how she was going to turn out. I am so proud of how she has. She will be Valedictorian of her graduating class, accepted to the U of A on a 6-semester transcript to the Honors College with no restrictions. So proud.

On the flip side...she is moving out.

I will miss her more than I care to admit even to myself.

My other daughter S has been having some problems for the last couple of years. We aren't really sure of what has caused these problems...but...it is a problem. We had been able to deal with the problem because it had remained pretty private and isolated...then in one minute it was no longer private.

S had a seizure at school.

A horrible thing for anyone, but for her it was almost paralyzing...not in a physical sense thank God, but in a daily life way. S doesn't deal well with peer pressure or with teasing. She is a tender child. There were issues from very early in her childhood, these are private. The "seizures" are not true seizures, for this we are more than thankful. These are pschyogenetic non-epileptic seizures. Basically, trauma is working its way from her.  D went through a similar thing as a teen and grew out of them. We really hope she will soon. Helpless is not being able to fix a problem one of your children has.

Because of this becoming public, and other circumstances...we have chosen to homeschool her. We also had to get her insurance. Neither or our works has an insurance plan we can afford, and from what we have been told, they wouldn't cover this problem as it would be "pre-existing". The only thing that we can do is to get her on ARkids. With the economy, states have made cuts. To meet the income D has had to take a $500 cut in pay every month.

We didn't loose the payments that the $500 went to. We are acquiring a new payment to the tune of about $300 a month.  D can't make more money and keep ARkids.

That puts it on me...I'm concerned...outright worried...honestly...I'm scared.

I am sure that he realizes this, but no one seems to realize we can't spend. I wake up at night short of breath and panicing. I don't know what to do.

Everything feels so out of control right now...and it makes me crazy. Literally.

I really need some control...

My dragons are large and many...and they are roaring and breathing fire....

My New Sweater

When we last left...ages ago... there had been knitting...not alot, but some.

Well there has been more. I started an EZ Baby Surpise Jacket for one of the teachers at S's old school.

So far...I'm confused. I am very intriged by how this thing is going to come together...I just don't see it yet, but from what I am told...EZ is the "Knitting Godess"...so on I go.

Of course the yarn...Blue Sky Alpacas Multi Cotton, http://www.blueskyalpacas.com/yarn_detail.php?yarns_ID=19  in "Slushie", how appropriate, is a beautiful yarn. Unfortunately, it's cotton and it hurts my hands...I can't work on this for extended periods or I end up not being able to feel my hands.

I have also been working on my new sweater, the "Nora Sweater" from Interweave Knits, Winter 2009.  I...love...this...sweater!!!!! http://www.knittingdaily.com/media/p/37384.aspx 

I got this yarn at Loops, http://www.loopsknitting.com/ in Tulsa, OK a year ago. Wonderful, wonderful Cascade 220 in Forest Green. I have 12 or 13 skeins of this stuff. I tried two or three different sweaters with it and wasn't satisfied...until now.

It has been knitting up into some of the most beautiful fabric! Soft, good drape and even better my guage is right!!!!

I have the back, minus the pleets and the back inset done.

I have to say that the inset was a welcome relief after 21 inches of stocking net. I am happy to report that it currently measures out exactly as the pattern calls for it. 

The back inset was quick, probably 2 days maximum, and when you consider that the cable patterns are not too complicated, it made it really enjoyable.

I have both of the fronts done. I thought that I was being smart and knitted them both at the same time...You know, if you don't have 3 kids and  a partner involved...I'm sure that this would be a really good idea.

I figured that it would be easier and that all of the decreases would be in the same places and when I bound off that they would be the perfect mirror image of each other...Yeah. Then as with most things...reality slapped me and laughed!!

Looking a the finished pieces, I realized that something didn't quite look "right". You know that odd feeling you get when you look at something and go "Hmmmmm...something is off.?" Well they were beautiful and identical. Off to a wade in the frog pond. I first frogged the left front back to the beginning of the short rows and re-knit. No big deal, I was ok...Then I laid out the newly finished left next to the right and then, "Hmmmmmm...something is off.?!"
The right side was about 2 inches longer than the left...I cried...I cussed and about the time I decided that I would have to frog both pieces that little voice in my head said "Hey!? If frogging to the short rows worked once...could it work...again?!" I am happy to report that yes, only about 13 rows had to be frogged and now both the right and left are behaving nicely. Nice, properly measureing, mirror images. Life is good.

Yes, I know the light is awful, but it's a picture from my iPhone. I do believe that I have mentioned just how much I love my iPhone before. I just had really crappy lighting at the time.

This is the left yoke. I have finished shaping the armholes and I am about to start the decreases. I had considered knitting both the left and right at the same time, but decided not to stress myself that much. 

So far, so good. I still really don't know what I want to name this sweater yet. For right now, I am working on it as much as possible...I REALLY need a new sweater!!

I hope to have you a finished object before long.  Life lately has been too stressful to talk about right now...but soon.

Lets just say we made some monumental changes in our childrens schooling...

TTFN