Changes and tears

There are many changes going on in my world right now...this makes my dragons very, very nervous. Some of the changes I have control over...most I don't. I don't like change...infact, I hate change...Just about the time that I get really comfortable with something...it changes.

I realize that life is about change...I don't have to like it. 

I don't think that I ever posted about my New Year's resolutions...so here goes. My resolution this year is to pull my head out of my ass and stop with the "Ostrich syndrome"...you know...head in the sand...avoid and deny...yeah.  As I have heard it said "De-nile is not just a river in Egypt".

Hopefully, I can get through this without too much anxiety...but the dragons are milling about and roaring...

Insanity

This is truly insanity.  To recap...Bought the yarn in Kalispel, MT at a beautiful yarn, antique and chocolate shop, "Woolen Collectibles" http://www.woolencollectibles.com/ . This is the "perfect" shop.

Anyway, approximately 1000 yards of lace weight Misti Alpaca, size 2 Addi lace tipped needles...a car with my partner D and 3 children...3000 miles from home...and I cast on 2 minutes after I got into the Pilot.  Like I said, insanity.


Another reason I call this insanity is because instead of doing this lovely pattern in one piece like the pattern was written, I decided that I would like for both ends to have the lace face the proper direction...insanity...I. Can't. Kitchner.

There, I've said it...I can't do the kitchner stitch...it looks like cold barf when I try.  These two pieces have been completed for about 3 months...I still can't kitchner...I keep thinking that I will sit down infront of the laptop and watch a few videos and get it done...yeah.  I think that I will block both sides and that will make it easier...yeah. 

What I'm really thinking is that I am going to do a three needle bind off and then block it and say to hell with it! I mean really, the seam would be at the back of my neck! Who would know?...I would. I have decided that this weekend it the time. I'm going to just break down and do it.  God help me.

I took a personal day today...It has been really nice. I don't remember the last time I was in the house by myself...I also remember why I am not good "stay at home" material. I have been totally stir crazy. I've really worked all day via my iphone, and I LOVE my iphone! My office has called me 3 times, nice to know I'm missed.  I've done laundry, I cooked a piece of beef to make enchiladas, yum! I've watched bad day time tv.

I'm ready for Monday...

Haiti

Please if you have stopped by to see whats up.  Take a minute to visit http://doctorswithoutborders.org/  These kind people were already in Haiti when the earthquake struck and they lost a hospital and staff members. Please see http://www.yarnharlot.com/ in her sidebar there is much more detail about this charity.

I was only able to give $10, but if everyone gave $5 or $10 imagine what could happen.

Also, as much as I am for helping those at home, think about how you would feel if this happend here.

Peace be with you all.  Hug your kids and loved ones and offer thanks your safe.

Well I've done it now...

Well, I did something I didn't think I would do...I added my picture and I really, really don't like the way I look.  It could have to do with the fact that I have a bit of a lazy eye, that is a story for another day...it could be the huge red zit on my chin..gotta love mother nature...it could be that I'm so fat!! Anyway...

Well, I am in a knitting vortex...I really want to knit...I have yarn...I have needles...and the gumption...I just can't find...IT Does anyone else ever get that way? I picked up my Tree of Life afghan that is a couple of years old and have been working on that. It's on size 9 needles so it's a fairly quick knit project...but it's cream colored...one piece...kind of monotanous...not to mention, not a traveling project.

I wanted to do toe up socks...I really don't think I like toe up. I have tried to start these socks 20 times and I have finally got one toe started. I wanted to do 2 at a time, but the whole magic loop thing kills me.

I want an new sweater and have more than enough yarn...nice yarn...Rowan Silk Wool in chocolate brown...for a sweater, but the cables are identical and I want them to mirror...plus, if I could do it as one piece!! well...yeah.

I started a really lovely lace scarf...it's pretty...simple...good travel...but...just not IT.

What it boils down to is trying to use up stash and wanting NEW, EXCITING YARN!!!! sigh...

I've also found myself waking up to the line of a MudVane song stuck in my head..."stand in the corner and scream with me!!" I think that would be nice...to take a minute and just scream. D says that it's because I'm not a "Happy Girl". I really don't think that is it. I love my family, him and the kids. I just don't feel like I have much control right now and I really hate that feeling.

I also know that I have lingering and latent issues about my father...can't explain it, would love to. It seems really strange to me that I haven't dreamt about him...he wouldn't talk to me when he was alive and now he shuns me in death...

I've been working on the weight issue...as of Sunday I'm at 296.4 lbs. Not too shabby. I would love to put a ticker on my sidebar, I can't figure out the HTML just yet but when I do I'll post it. If I could just get off the soda it would be a lot easier.

Well, the dragons are roaring and there is work to do, I'll post pictures in the next few days of the above projects...ttfn

303...searching

I really intended for this to be for January 1, but life happens...dragons roar.

303...that's the starting point. 303 lbs. I truly find that hard to believe. 2009 was a trying year. Some good, some bad.  My father died...while we didn't talk for over 2 years, I have been amazed at how this has affected me.

Searching...for who I am, for what I want...Searching

I originally wanted to do a "knit blog" to follow in the footsteps of the greats...Yarn Harlot, Grumperina, Franklin Habit...I just don't think that this is working out that way. While I will still log my knitting and crafting, I've decided to use this to work out a few things.

I don't have a following so to speak so if no one is reading it's somewhat private right? 

Anyway...I find that I am entering 2010 with much trepidation and some fear, and this is odd. While I am afraid of everything, I don't usually let it get to me, but it is. I find that I wake up at night with my heart racing thinking of all the things that I need to do, that need to be taking care of, of things I need to pay. I wake up in full panic mode.

I want to talk to people, but I don't feel like I can. I feel like I will be brushed off, that I shouldn't burden anyone else with my problems...but I have to do something.

For the first time in my life I am very self conscience of how I look...of my body. I crave attention from D but in the same instant, I don't want to disgust him with how I look. I know...stupid. I'm irratable and angry and sad and scared and I really don't know what to do.

I'm over-whelmed and can't figure out how to fix it. I look around me and my life...there is so much that I need to do and I just don't know where to start...I get to the point that I just throw up my hands and do nothing and that isn't working. On these days I just want to sit down and cry...I find that there are alot of these days.

So get ready...the dragons are roaring and I am going to deal with them here. I will be whining and crying and angry...and hopefully...I will figure out how to fix me...

I also start 2010 for the first time in my life not really wanting to do any craft...I'm at an impass with knitting. Nothing really started...and I don't know what I want to start...