Addictions and realizations

Has anyone out there been watching the show on OWN "Addicted to Food"?  I have...and it scares me a bit...I mean, really scares me.  When these people came to rehab all of them were talking about thinking about food constantly and about eating all the time. Even the two women that are "skinny" but still ill talk about thinking about food constantly...

I can relate to everyone of these people on this show...I think about food constantly...some days the smell of something sets me off in a crazed...I need that NOW!!! I was talking to D the other day and I was describing a coconut cake to him...All of a sudden he looks at me and says, "that's not right...it's only food".  Apparently I was getting way to excited about the idea of this cake and was a bit to passionate in my description...

I mean there is a reason that I'm as round as I am tall. I love food, good food...I have more than once sent things back that didn't taste good...Life is too short to eat bad food if you don't have to.

I mean, I have known for years that I turn to food for comfort, for solace. The experience of my hands getting sweaty around certain foods depending on how good or bad I felt at the time...

I have been wondering lately how a person, ok, me-could go about just stopping. Just stop all of it...

Stop the binging...stop the purging...stop the not eating...

I mean how hard can it be to develop a healthy relationship with food? Bwa hahahahahahaha!!!!!

Yeah right...a healthy relationship with food...I'll believe it when I see it.

I would like to be one of those people that don't live to eat, but that eat to live...you know to eat high quality, well made food...

I would really like to try...

Longing For The Past

At least that is what this quiz says.

I find that lately I have a longing...a desire for things of the past...

I want to put in a garden...to feel the warm soil on my hands...to smell the loamy smell of rich fertile soil...to raise food to put by for my family and maybe to gift the neighbors...

I want to make jams and jellies and to can...to sit down after cleaning the kitchen in the evening to knit and hear the "pop" of the jars sealing...to wipe the jars, tighten the lids and see the beautiful things that I have done for my family's comfort and well being...I feel this need deep in my soul...Like the call of sirens from days gone by...

I want to make bread and rich, thick stews from the bounty I have put by...to smell the bread baking and the stew cooking and know...I did this...to care for my loved ones...to nourish their bodies as doing it nourishes my soul...

I want to have chickens for fresh eggs and to see them scratching in the yard...to have a hen sit eggs and roosters for frying...

I want to card wool for spinning...

I want to spin wool into yarn for knitting warm things for my family's comfort...

I want to spin wool for wharp and wheft to weave cloth to make blankets and rugs to warm my family's beds and feet...

I want to make quilts to decorate my home and cover my family from the winters cold...

Somehow...somewhere...deep in my very soul...I miss these things.  I miss them as if I had just done all of these things just yesterday...I need to do these things as surely as I need to eat and breath...

I feel these things missing from my being...The need to reconnect with the old ways...to simpler times...

I feel the need to simplify...to have better quality and less quantity...

I...am...restless...

Time to tend the dragons...

For The Record...

I will admit that most times I am the bad influence on my group of friends that knit together on Wednesday nights...

But tonight...

Let the record show...

IT   WAS   NOT  ME!!!!!!

Everything All At Once

For the last two days I have been contemplating this post...

After 10 years of terror and fear...Osama Bin Laden is dead.

For survivors, family who lost loved ones, rescue workers and those who lost someone in 9-11...while it doesn't bring them back...I hope that you can begin to, or continue to heal. To know that this person will not be causing such horrific acts again...

For our men and women in uniform and their families...I thank you for the job that you, and your loved one does...I rest easier at night knowing that they are there...

For the ones left behind after loosing someone in the fight against terror...I'm so sorry for your loss and for what little it is worth, thank you...

To our President, I wish in your speech that you would not have said "I" so much...it was terribly tacky...had you been in the Middle East, in uniform and carrying a weapon with our men and women that are there, I would feel differently...

I was talking to my oldest girl R and she said that as a child she always thought that when Osama Bin Laden was killed/died it would be such a feeling of relief...but it isn't...now it seems like almost holding your breath to see what is going to happen next...

One final thing...let's remember that we should never rejoice at the death of someone...regardless of how bad or evil this man was...

Karma is a bitch...

My Aura and Other Things

This morning I was watching an old episode of a travel show and the hosts "aura" was brought up. She sat in a chair and things were done and a photo of her aura was taken. Fortunately, her aura was all rainbows, a very good place.

I am pretty sure that my aura at this moment in life is NOT a rainbow. I would lean very toward a very black aura. I have been very blue and working on trying to get out of being blue. I don't want to take medication for this because I don't understand how a serotonin blocker works, especially when serotonin is what is supposed to make us feel happy. I also don't like the fact that you can't just stop taking it. You see, I have taken such meds before and all that has happened is either I'm a zombie or I feel worse.

I know why I'm blue. I'm 40, morbidly obese, I ache (due to the obesity issue) and unemployed. I realize that in the grand scheme of things, these are not that big of an issue. People all over the world have it much, much worse than I do...I feel somewhat selfish by "voicing" my blueness, but I need to get it out. To purge myself of the blueness in a sense.

40, well this is out of my control. I'll reconcile this.

Unemployed, with the job market so flooded with people looking for a job, it's a horrible thing trying to find a job. R my daughter has suggested that I start and etsy shop, and I may. I need to get something out on Craigslist about teaching knitting, crocheting, sewing ect...Needless to say the job hunt continues...

Morbidly obese...such an ugly term...Morbidly obese...hmmm...this one, this is in my control. I am proud to say that I have been drinking more water. I have a terrible addiction to soda and I would really rather drink soda as anything else. I have been drinking a non-calorie soda, but I really thing that in the volume that I have a habit of drinking it, the artificial sweetener in it is causing part of the aching that I am experiencing. I need to start weening myself off of soda. Seriously, I imagine the CFO of a certain red and white soda company panicking at the thought of me cutting back on my soda intake, tee!

I need to try some of the carbonated waters on the market and see if they take care of the addiction. I also need to pull out the sun tea jar. Combat the soda with unsweetened ice tea with either lemon or lime.

I have been doing some exercise. Big plus...I am in hope that using the joints that ache will make them not ache quite so bad...or something else will hurt and I won't notice it. I have been working in my flower beds, my mail man approves. It's really comical to see this huge woman out in the yard, floppy hat, long sleeves, gloves, a wagon for the waste to take to my compost pile sitting on a stool working in a flower bed...Glad I can add humor to someones day.

I am going to "audition" the space I'm going to turn into my tomato bed. Basically, I'm going to go lay wet newspaper over the grass and weight them down to kill the grass so it's easier to get up. Then the fun begins! Digging, double digging and getting a nice loose soil created to plant my tomatoes. 6 plants, I have hope!!

I have been knitting. Crazy Train is coming along nicely. I am on the blue central motif and really enjoying the knit. It's moving along quickly and it's really a lot of fun showing it to people and seeing the look of confusion when you explain it's going to be a baby blanket...right now...it's a tube. :)

Once I complete the knitting the pattern calls for you to steek the whole thing and add a backing.

As I have never steeked anything, I am terrified, but in a really good roller coaster ride kind of way. I will post pictures. I have hopes of having this completed by mid May. I have remarkably been quite faithful to this project. Mind you, I do have a whopping 27 other things started...no really, 27...I counted. Hmmm...maybe I should list them for all to see! Maybe that would motivate me to finish up a few things.

Of course though, I sorted a few boxes of my stash the other day and discovered a shawl pattern that I now have and overwhelming urge to start. I have the yarn in stash! I have the needles! I wouldn't have to buy anything!!! Of course, casting on 992 stitches...bit of a hmmmmm moment.  Got to think about this for a minute.

S and I have been playing with the ball winder that D got me for my birthday. Lots of fun! S also started a new scarf of her own design...I am so proud of her!

I am still spinning the orange that I have been working on for what seems like a lifetime, this isn't helped by the fact that I have two new bags of roving I want to spin...

Well, I have dishes to do, clothes to wash and a tomato bed to create...

Not to mention dragons to tend...TTFN

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

Well, it's here...the big 4-0...I'm not quite reconciled to being 40. I just don't know if I like the idea of being 40...If I live to be 80, which in my DNA pool people live well into and past 80...still living independently, I am middle aged!!!! If I live to 90 I'm almost middle aged!!!! Somewhat of a sobering thought.

I'm still scratching my head trying to figure out how I got back to basically square one and 40 at the same time...I'm sure I will figure it out eventually.

Like I've said before the "0"'s and the "5"'s are hard for me. It's like these are the times that I tend to get really thoughtful and start looking back and also looking forward. Something like New Year's for most people.

There are things in my life that HAVE to change. I'm all of 5 feet tall and 300 lbs. This, this is one of the things that must change. I don't want to be old and fat and not able to walk because I can't support my weight. That frightens me. I drink GALLONS of soda. The bulk of it is Coke Zero, but still. This is something the must change. I have to find a job. This one thing is paramount. I HAVE to find a job. I am hopeful that the economy is getting better and that I will be able to find a job, but who knows. My SIL R was out of work for 2 years. That frightens me. Fortunately, she starts work on Monday. Very happy for her.

In the month of April, I would like to start making some of the changes that have to be made. I have a physical on April 11 with a full blood panel set of results waiting to be addressed and see just how much change is really needed. I'm sure the list will be long.

I am going to make the effort to drink more water and unsweetened tea than soda pop this month. I know it won't be perfect, but I am going to up my water intake this month. What is it? 28 days to make or break a habit...time will tell.

On a different note...Wednesday when I finally got to my knitting group, my wonderful friend N and her daughters S & L had decided to give me a birthday party. Complete with cupcakes, chocolate, yellow and my all time, level best favorite...red velvet with cream cheese icing! I was so thrilled that they think enough of me to do this.  Not only was there cupcakes...there were gifts!!

N and B, her husband, took a trip that in the grand scheme included a stop at Mitchell, NE and the

Brown Sheep facility!! I was so excited that she go to go and so incredibly jealous when she called while she was there.  I see a road trip in the future.

I had asked for 2 skeins of 

Brown Sheep's new lace weight yarn, which I might add is incredible.

I was very shocked when I was handed the bag containing the 2 skeins of lace weight in blue, my favorite color, and the bag of roving. When I asked what I owed her, she looked at me and smiled and said "Happy Birthday!"

I was so touched and tickled. She is a very good friend and I love her and her girls dearly.              

So far this morning has been pretty good. My SIL R has texted me to wish me a Happy Birthday. Of course D and S have wished me a Happy Birthday. I have even received a call from my step-mother wishing me a Happy Birthday. DS, some of our extended family, wished me Happy Birthday, so it's a good day so far. 

S just came and told me to check my email as I have a surprise waiting. So yes, good day so far. 

I think that I am going to lay down and take a nap. I'm going to knit and spin with no guilt today for the things that I should be doing. I may even take a lllooonnnnggggg hot shower instead of the normally utilitarian shower of 5 -10 minutes I usually do...

Who knows...maybe I will even embrace being 40...

I can't believe that I am turning 40!

I don't remember putting in the application to become an adult...I REALLY don't remember ever asking to turn 40, which I will on Friday. Someone stop the bus, I missed my stop!

I guess that I am a bit of an odd duck. I find that the birthday's that end with either a "5" or a "0" are really hard for me. It's really strange. I have always been like that. 15 was hard, 20 sucked, 25 was awful...30 I still haven't recovered from...there is a hell of a story behind 30, 35 I cried all week...and now 40...Good Lord.

My very dear friend N asked me the other day how I felt about turning 40...I thought it was an excellent question...Hmmmm...how do I feel turning 40???

I have to say that in the grand scheme of things that I never thought that at 40 I would be unemployed, starting basically over, 300 lbs...aka...morbidly obese, nor did I expect to have a grandchild on the way. I didn't expect to be as blue as I am these days...I am sure that I can pinpoint a few reasons that I am blue, but hey, knowing I am blue is half the battle. I didn't expect at 40 to acquire a weight related injury...the so called "heal spur" is not really a heal spur...it is a pain caused by lack of arch support and being overweight...especially in women. At 40 I didn't expect to have to pluck everyday because of the lack of estrogen or the presence of testosterone. I really didn't expect my attitude to be as tainted and bad as it is at this very moment in time. To name just a few.

On the flip side of this grand scheme of things...I'm gonna be a Nana!! Pretty cool stuff. Timing could definitely been better, but mommy and baby are both good. R, my oldest daughter, for the first time in a very, very long time...is ok. She tells me that for the first time in a very long time she can just breath...That fact alone makes all other things pail in comparison. There were many days that I really, really worried that she would do something awful. On being unemployed...well, the job market sucks...no one is calling for interviews...I am giving thought to the fact that maybe I should take this time to go back to school. On being morbidly obese...well, I must have enough to have food in the house or I wouldn't be 300 lbs...the weight related injury...yeah...God's way of saying maybe it's time I do something different...Got the message. My bad attitude and being blue...well, hopefully these will pass...of course menopause lasts how long???

I find that I am very restless these days and crave change. Which for me is really strange as I hate change and surprises. April Fool baby here...yes, that's right...my birthday is April 1. I had sick friends in high school too...

There are days that I feel really weary and old, but for the most part I think blue sums it up.

I have been very introverted this week. Thinking about things and things that I would like to change. There has to be some change in my life or I am going to snap...I just have to figure out what the changes are going to be.

Now...on a lighter note...

I was very excited to receive an email from Leslie the author of the wonderful blog "A Friend to Knit With" asking if I would like a drop spindle...Yes, yes I would!! It came yesterday! What a wonderful way to start the week before my birthday than with a gift!!

I started to pre-draft the roving when it dawned on me that I needed to take a picture of it. I have to say that I found getting started with it a lot easier than I expected to. I think it is really very cool to be able to create yarn while watching TV or talking without being tied to a wheel. Mind you I love my wheel, but I will definitely be using this drop spindle a lot. I can see adding more drop spindles to create a new obsession...I mean collection. The drop spindle also seems to interest my daughter S. Who knows? We may have a spinner out of her yet?!

There has been knitting around the home front. I mentioned above that I am going to be a Nana...and every good knitting Nana has to knit. I found this lovely pattern, "Baby Blanket Latvian Garden". I think that this is a beautiful blanket.  So, I looked through the projects, found one that was done in Knit Picks Palette yarn and well...the crazy ensued. Hence my naming Josiah's blanket "Crazy Train". 

 Rachel has a really interesting sense of color and really doesn't want to have "tradition" baby colored things.  Well, I can truly understand that. There is only so much pastel green, yellow and blue a person can stand. So, when I originally asked her what color she would like her baby blanket she said yellow and orange...I have to say...these would not be my first choices, but it is her baby.

So, while I started a different blanket, I was cruising around Ravelry and found the Latvian pattern and ordered varying shades of oranges, she always liked green I love chocolate and blues...basically everyone is happy!!

Happily, Rachel was here when I received the package from Knit Picks and was very happy both with the color and the pattern!! SCORE for mom.


So far the pattern has been pretty easy and fun. So I hope to have it completed well before August when Josiah is supposed to make his debut...and hopefully I can finish Coming Home for Rachel too!

Gotta tend the dragons...TTFN!