I wish it was Wednesday

You ever find days when you feel incredibly lonely in a house full of people?

I really with it was Wednesday...then I could go knit with my friends...

Contemplation

It's really funny to sit here typing...I have been thinking about posting for several days now...such a slacker.

I have hit almost month 4 of unemployment...it still sucks ass. My quiet little world has somewhat turned upside down with the addition of 3 people, a dog and two fish...that's ok though. I love the additions, I always wanted a big family.

I turn 40 this year...yes, I know...women hit 40 everyday...buy why is it really hard to have the "0" and "5" birthdays? I mean, am I the only one that contemplates what milestones these are? Surely not...I can't be...can I?!

I have been really, really tired lately. I can't really figure it out, I'm not doing anything to get tired...then it dawned one me...

I am so blue...I have started to notice the tell-tale signs that it's happening...not wanting to dress, not wanting to shower...yes it's gross...not wanting to leave the house and yet wanting to fly apart because I need to get out of the house...rushing around at 3 pm to dress because D will be home soon...it's scary and in the same time...comforting...

I have hit the point that at least I recognize these things are happening...so I can get a handle on it...

I have started setting daily goals for myself...this seems to help. I have cleaned and purged my room...I planted roses and peonies...little things, but accomplishments just the same.

The stress I feel is incredible. I don't think that D realizes just how stressed I am about not having a job...I know he is stressed.

I need to just breathe...

It's really funny to me...the bluer I get, the more complicated things that I try to find to do. I have a big project that I am going to be starting next week. I have hopes that the "Crazy Pond"...at least that is what my friends are calling it...will help me shake the blues...more on the project next week.

I will also be posting some things in my life that I am going to try and change in the next few days...things are changing around here...let's hope that I have it in me to complete the trip...

Breakfast of Champions...or...I REALLY need a job

Bread Pudding with real maple syrup...does a body good! Besides, what is bread pudding but French toast with a better publicist? I mean really, bread, milk, eggs, sugar, cinnamon and vanilla...French toast or bread pudding.

It was very tasty and exactly what I needed. We have had major weather the last couple of weeks. I think a total of about 3 ft of snow in an area that we are really doing something to see about 3 inches of snow a year.  Almost 2 weeks of school missed...2 weeks of horrible cabin fever. I am SO ready for spring and  the coming of green!

I have been knitting on "Coming Home" aka Spanish Armada.  I am currently on row 78 of 159, ending chart 4 of 9 and currently, if my calculations are correct, at 368 stitches per round...I am having a ball with this pattern.

This is my 4th lace project and I think that this one is my favorite so far. It is going to be huge and it is going to be beautiful. I cannot wait to see how it turns out.

Of course, there has been other knitting...My friend N made a pair of Duffers and I thought that they were adorable. So, like any rational knitter...I cast on and knit a pair.

I got gauge, I used two strands of worsted weight yarn...then I felted them. Yeah...they are exactly 1/2 in too short...after felting and stretching them within an inch of their felted little life...You have to love the knitting gods...
I'm still looking for work, very depressing. My house is somewhat clean, a good thing...

I have decided that I am going to spin yarn for the Morning Surf Shawl. I am going to do it at least 2 times. The first yarn I am working on is in teal, green and purple. I will spin singles of each color and then ply them to get something of a variegated yarn...at least that is the plan.

For the second one I have an idea that I am working on. I would really like to Navajo ply variegated yarn for this shawl. No waste. The only problem is that I have only solid color roving...but...I have a plan...

TTFN...

How can it be February?

February 4...really?! Where did January go? I know I slept in there somewhere...but February?

January was a long, long trying month. I finished the now doily. That was good...I lost my job. That was really, really bad...Got a clean bill of health from my ob-gyn...that was good...except for the fact that I now have to have a diagnostic mammogram...not so good. Found out I am going to be a Nana...both good and bad. Happy to have a grand baby...could have been better timing.

With the baby come...BABY KNITS!!!! This could be a good thing...R is thinking about becoming an RN...this can be a good thing...Not getting married just because she's pregnant...that is definitely a GOOD thing!

I am going stir crazy...I don't like to not work. I am not at my best when I am not working. I feel less than worth anything...dumb I know, but it's how my head works...I was home with R for 12 years and while I loved being at home with her...I really like to work. I love the sense of having somewhere to go in the mornings.

I have discovered that while some things drive me absolutely bat poop crazy...I love to knit lace...I REALLY love to knit lace...the more complicated the better.
                                                                                

This is the "Spanish Armada". I have decided to call it "Coming Home". The sole reason that I am knitting this piece, other than the need to knit lace, is for my daughter R to have an heirloom piece to make the birth of her first child.

I hope that she will wrap her wee babe in it to come home. That will be up to here. Use it, save it, throw it away...it's up to her.

Well, 2011 is proving so far to be an ass kicker of a
year. I am somewhat scared of what else the year
will bring...but you know what they say...God hates a coward.

I would like to use this year to kind of pull my head out of my ass and try to fix a few things. I would like to get my head straight...it that is at all possible. I would like to start repairing my credit. I would like to start some kind of savings. I would like to work on my health. I would like to work on being more of who I am...That of course means that I have to figure out "Who" I am.

It dawned on me the other day that for the first time in my life I don't have a parent that I have to placate or keep happy. That there is the potential for just...being.

I would really like to eat more local, sustainable, organic when affordable and available and whole. I realize that most people say that, but I feel far to old to be as young as I am. I need a change, and the change is inside me. Not scenery or anything like that.

I just really need to get things straight...gotta tend the dragons...TTFN

Yearning For The Past

I find that there are times when I want to write...times it seems that I need to write...it seems that it helps me get things straight in my head...sometimes.

I made pancakes for my kids and me this morning...snow day...to do this I did the things that I always do...with one difference. Lately, I have been very lonesome for my grandmother.

I'm not going to get sappy and all kittens and flowers...we didn't have that kind of relationship. She had her family and a hard road, she had a child that was a cerbal palsy victim, she cared for him until she died. She also raised me...I came to her after her oldest child, my father, was out and going through his second divorce. Now think, 1972 and his SECOND divorce...

She grew up in the depression, she was use to making due, and did. She really didn't have the time or energy for an infant, but she did what needed done. For that I am greatful...

On Saturday I made pancakes, from scratch like she did, and instead of scrapping the left over batter into the trash, she would have not approved, I put a piece of plastic on the dish and put it in the fridge...I never saw her wash the container that she made pancake batter in...if she was running low on batter, she would just add an egg, some oil, a bit of sugar, a scoop of powdered milk, a small glass of water and self rising flour then mix it up and go on about making pancakes. That is what I did on Monday for S and I.

I pulled out the left over batter, it now had a bit of a sour-dough smell to it, added an egg, some oil, some sugar, vanilla, buttermilk, flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt...mixed it up and made pancakes...When I bit into my pancakes, I could have been 5 again and in her kitchen...they were a taste of home and I cried. I miss her.

I miss having someone to call and talk to, though she didn't approve of my lifestyle and made it very known that she didn't. She often accused me of "being ashamed of my raising", which I am not. I always wondered why she didn't think wanting more out of life was a good thing. I wish that I could wake up and smell her house first thing in the morning...coffee, bacon and fried eggs, the tell tale smell of a very old cast iron skillet and just a hint of my granfather's cigarrette smoke...

Regardless of how we got along, which was not good at best, the comfort of knowing I could call her was a comfort...and I miss it. Painfully...

Funny how something as simple as pancakes could dredge up all of these emotions, but they did...She would have been the first person that I called when I got fired, she would have let me cry and then told me it was indeed my fault because I didn't do enough. Because of who my parents were, I could never do enough or do it well enough. I guess maybe she thought that if she could make me do enough, well enough, that her son dropping off his kid at her door would be null and void...I never quite made that point for her, and that always bothered me.

I often wonder what she would have thought about my knitting and quilting. She crocheted and could quilt, but didn't knit. I remember her making a couple of afghans and quilts, I made her a few afghans and quilts...I often wonder what happened to them when she died...

I remember that she didn't buy toys and there was really no reason to ask for "extras" there was not money for them...one thing that has always stuck in my head though...when I was about 12 or 13 I found a pattern for a sweater and told her that I wanted to make it. Never mind that I didn't know how to knit, I wanted to make this sweater...You could have knocked me over with a feather when she looked at the pattern and went to the yarn section of Wal-Mart and asked me what color did I want to make it in. 

Without hesitation she bought me a "Learn to Knit" book, knitting needles - aluminum 14" - and the yarn to make the biggest size sweater on the pattern...It took me almost a year, but I wore that sweater until it could not be worn. It was wonderful. Dark reds and burgandys...against my red hair...garish I'm sure...but I made the sweater and have made several since.

Enough with the maudlin side of things, it's a side effect of being out of work, being stress and worried and really needing to be hugged and held for a bit...

There has been knitting! I completed a piece of lace and it turned out really well. I am very happy with it. It's name is "Stor Lysedug" http://ravel.me/Angeliakay/4j6iy and I had a great time with it. I had orginially planned to give it to a girl that is pregnant, but she had the nerve to have a boy.

My friend N has graciously agreed to take it off my hands to use on her dining room table and that works for me. As long as it is loved and used I am really happy. Plus, I adore N. She is a dear friend.

To date this is the most complicated piece of lace I have made yet, so I am really happy. It took me about 4 months of somewhat dedicated knitting, I had to start over once. I used stitch markers between each repeat so it made fixing any mistakes a lot easier.  By looking at the pattern as one repeat at a time and not looking at the whole it made it seem easier to do. Not too over whelming. 

I am somewhat at a quandry as to what I want to knit right now...so many things bouncing around in my head and only so much one can get done...I also have a quilt bouncing around in my head that I may start...You can never have enough going on...

I am giving serious thought though to working on Tina http://ravel.me/Angeliakay/2huzw ...I started a pair of "Fetching" fingerless mitts to bridge the gap and have the first one almost done, so we shall see where I go next...

TTFN...gotta tend those damn dragons...

New Year - New Goals

Well, well, well...

I really can't belive that I haven't blogged since October! I am such a slacker...of course that could be why...more on that later.

Anyway...There is so much going on in my life right now...other than the fact I can't get my laptop to cooperate with me...I have a "0" birthday this year, never a good thing...I'm morbidly obese, I really have issues with a Dr. that weighs approximately 350 lbs telling me to loose weight...and I got fired.

That's right, I got fired...and it kills me. I knew that it was coming...you know how you get a feeling in the pit of your stomache? Yeah, I had had mine for about 6 months...D and I bought a house, 3 blocks from either one of our offices...we moved and a month to the day, my boss or rather ex-boss moved us 30 minutes north. I should have seen it coming...

D's sister has been out of work for 2 years now...I'm terrified...I don't know what to do...I'm stressed...and as selfish and as horrible as it sounds...I'm relieved. D said that it is only natural as the job had been stressing me to the point of breaking for years now, but I feel like I shouldn't feel that way. So many people out of work and unable to find work, and I'm relieved...but I am so SCARED...

The "what if" game has begun in my head and now I can't get it to stop. We are all so stressed and it's my fault...and I don't know when I will get a new job...

Talk about a way to start out the new year...I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

On a different note...I do knit. I did the Echo Flower Shawl, http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/echo-flower-shawl, by Jenny Johnson Johnen. It turned out to be a beautiful shawl and my friend J loved it. Purple is her color, and it's silk...I have a thing for silk. The yarn is, Sundara Aran Silky Merino that I received a couple of years ago in a club that I joined, http://www.ravelry.com/yarns/library/sundara-yarn-aran-silky-merino.

True to form...I knit this...in the car...on vacation...Yes, Virginia, I am insane. Who in their right mind knits lace in the car, on vacation, going across country...literally? Me.

This was my first attempt at nupps and I LOVE NUPPS!!!!!! I cannot think of a reason that I will ever have to knit another bobble...EVER!!! I will make a nupp!!!! They were so much fun to knit.

J loved the shawl and when our group, the Knaughty Knitters, had our Christmas dinner, she wore it and it was lovely on her. I have to say that it pleased me greatly to see her wearing it. It is always nice to see someone wear what you knit for them.

I have been doing other knitting, but I don't have a picture of it yet. I have been knitting a really beautiful lace baby blanket. One of the waitresses where we have dinner on Sundays with D's dad is pregnant and I think it will make her happy.

Also, our group has been talking about doing the Advent Scarf...Yes, we know that Christmas is over. This way, maybe we will all have a lovely new scarf/shawl for next Christmas!

I'm starting the year out...Fat...a "0" birthday looming in the future...and unemployeed...

I am actively looking for work...that's in God's hands...

I can't change the birthday...and after the whipped cream incident with D on his birthday...I am pretty sure that forgetting about it isn't going to happen, I won't leave the house on my birthday...but anyway...

That leaves...FAT. This I can work on and I plan to. There are many changes that I can make...as I look at the bottle of water that sits in the place where my soda would normally sit...and I intend to work on it. We are looking at getting an eliptical machine, I'm told I'll love it, now though...I am sure I will have fun walking around my neighborhood...I need to make a little bag to hang on my arm so I can knit while I walk!!!!

I plan on cooking more...healthier food...better food. I find that the older I am getting the more I think about what is going in my body and the bodies of those I love and I really want to put Premium in and not the whole E-85 ethonal in our tanks...Oh yeah, those who think ethonal is a good idea...look into how much fuel and energy it takes to create it and don't complain about the rising food costs.

I intend to start incorporating more local, sustainable and as organic as finances will allow. More veggie and less over processed white with no nutrition...I'll keep you posted...I did make a really nice chicken primavera risotto that D and the kids ate and liked...so I am hopeful.

I have hopes of blogging more...no promises, but I am going to try. It isn't like anyone reads this anyway.

Really I do knit...

I did something odd I guess. I went back and read past entries of my blog...It's been a really hard year for me. I've had some really REALLY blue time. I think that maybe, just maybe I'm about done with that. While I am still looking for ways to deal with my stress and anxiety, I feel better. I still have the anxiety attacks and I still feel sad and angry alot, it doesn't seem to be in the same manic way that it was.

A dear friend of mine read my blog and told me it made her want to drink! I guess it might be time to lighten up, huh?  Though, this is where I tend to come when I need to talk something out and still will be...

I really do knit!!

I am proud to report that I finished the EZ Baby Surprise Jacket! I really don't know that I will knit this again. I think that the yarn had a lot to do with this not being a fun knit for me. I used Organic Cotton, yes...I am dumb. It really is an interesting technique and it was nice to only have to knit up the shoulders, but I am not completely sold on the pattern.


I have also finally finished my Nora Sweater. I really enjoy this sweater. I wear it alot. I actually finished the back, yoke and sleeves and seamed them together by Easter, but was really very disappointed with how it fit.  I thought that it would be a really wrap around you and snuggle sweater and it isn't.

I let it sit in time out for a couple of months and then decided to go ahead and knit the collar. Then, after talking to several people I discovered that this sweater sits at your shoulder and hangs, which is OK. I love the fact it is long, it covers my legs when I am in my chair at work and that is truly a good thing.

I finished knitting the collar and sewing it on in the truck, on the way to Clayton, NM...in July. It dawned on me that we were headed to the Northweast coast and I didn't have a sweater for the mountains. I finished this sweater about Amarillo, TX and the Cadillac Ranch.

I wore this sweater all vacation, my kids would commandeer this sweater on vacation and it is really comfortable. My only complaint...it is pilly...I didn't realize that Cascade 220 would pill. The poor thing needs a shave!

I am going to try to get back more often with knitting content...not just the depths of blue. I won't say there won't be more blue, but I will try for less.