Guilt, Blame and Letting Go...

There are days that I am consumed in and with guilt...

Guilt for eating too much...guilt for not eating...guilt for being fat...guilt for not being angry that I am fat...

Guilt for having arthritis pain directly related to my weight so I don't take medication to make the pain ease...because I don't deserve to not hurt...

Guilt that I was not a good mother...

Guilt that I knit too much...guilt that I think about knitting and crafting and food literally all the time...

Guilt that my house is not clean...guilt that my carpets are stained, they came that way when D bought the house...

Guilt at being called a slacker and lazy because the house is not spotless and that I might still be in pj's at the end of the day...

Guilt that I haven't been able to find a job...

Guilt that money is extremely tight now...

Guilt when I grocery shop because I want something just for me, but that would be selfish...

Guilt that I want to spend money on yarn and books and fabric and food...

Guilt that I was not a good daughter...my mother left when I was 6 months old...I was 13 when I met her...my father sent me to my grandparents and for the last 2 or 3 years before he died he didn't speak to me...my grandmother, who raised me kept my ex-husband instead of me...Obviously...I have done something wrong or I am a bad person...

Guilt that the glasses that I wore for 2 years, and yes, occasionally fell asleep in, broke on Mother's day and it cost my family $238 to get me glasses...

Guilt for everything....

There are also days that I am flooded with blame...

Blame for our finances...

Blame for our weight...

Blame for the co-dependency of children...

Blames for aches and pains...

Blames for the inability to sleep...

Blame that we don't do anything...

Blame that me being lazy is why no projects get completed in our house...

Blame, BLame, BLAme, BLAMe, BLAME!!!!!

Today...I am going to start letting go...

Of the guilt...

And of the blame...

I'm done...

I've had enough...

I give...

Today is the day that self forgiveness begins...

One tiny, tiny step at a time...