South Paws and Other Things

I am unsettled today...really I have been for a while now. I can't seem to get focused and get things in order and focus...I really REALLY gotta find a job, start classes or something. My brain is turning to mush!!

I've been on a bread baking jag lately. I found this wonderful website, "The Fresh Loaf" and I have been playing with the Lessons that the site offers. Lesson one is a very basic loaf and it works beautifully. Lesson two is a little more advanced and makes an even better loaf. I actually turned that recipe into a really nice olive/ feta loaf. Worked very well and was quite tasty. 

With the same Lesson Two recipe I attempted to make hamburger buns, I weighed out the dough at 2.5 oz each, let them rise and cut the tops. Let's say that they were good, and everyone likes sliders...My sliders just happened to be a really good BBQ ed burnt ends.  If you don't know burnt ends...they are the wonderful trimmings from smoked brisket. Ours come every week from "Cotton Eyed Joe's BBQ", food is great, people are wonderful. We eat there every Sunday. If you are ever in Noel, MO definitely worth the trip!

This morning I set a sponge to rise and ferment over-night, this is from Lesson Three. Lesson three says to put it in the refrigerator, but I may just let it sit on the counter. I haven't decided yet. Then you finish the dough the next day and add the sponge for the flavor.  I will definitely keep you posted!

After the "Orange Roving of Death" I finally started to spin the brown Icelandic/Alpaca. I am happy to report that it was the orange roving. I don't know what the heck the dyer did to the wool, but my Lord, I couldn't spin it to save my life. I am spinning the Icelandic/ Alpaca for the Stripe Study Shawl I have a light brown in Icelandic/ Alpaca for the contrast color.

I am really happy with how it is turning out so far. I usually try to spin really thin singles and that may be the problem. I am working really hard to spin this a bit thicker to try and get a fingering/sock yarn once I finish and get it plied. When I pull it out and let it spin back on itself it looks like it may turn out really nicely.  I have hope!





Now then, to the South paw part of things.  Has anyone out there every heard of a persons dominate hand, ie lefty or righty, changing with age?  I noticed while spinning the other day that I can not spin with my right food treadling but I can spin well treadling with my left foot.  That's not all though. We are getting ready to paint S's bedroom and while doing prep work and feathering in around door trim and the ceiling, with my right hand, paint on everything. When I changed to my left hand...I had beautiful lines. Almost as nicely as if I had taped everything off. So I have been kind of watching and I guess maybe it's a mental thing, but I have begun to do alot of thing with my left that I use to do with my right.

Keep in mind I have never broken my right arm, hand or wrist. I have never had my right hand immobilized at all. My friend N asked it I was originally a lefty and made to change but I don't remember that. My father was a lefty and my son J is a lefty...I have always been a righty if not a bit ambidextrous.

Weird....

Some Days Are Really Good Days

Some days really are very good days...I wish that I had thought to grab a picture of this when S and I were both still sitting around the table. 

Yesterday was a really good day. S and I repaired tack holes in her bedroom walls so we can start to paint so she can have a really cool bedroom.  R came over and we all baked bread...good for the soul.

We got to see friends that we haven't seen in a long time and the kids got to play the Xbox until way past bed time...but that was also a good thing. It made them very happy.

At one point yesterday, S, R and I were all sitting around this table knitting and visiting...that was very good for my soul...to have two of my most very favorite people in the world, not to mention that I am blessed enough for the two people to be my daughters, sitting around just knitting and enjoying each other...very good for my soul. I hope it was good for theirs too.

Now...about the table!!!!

For several years we have not had a dining room table...D and I have looked and kind of kept an eye out, but never found "the table".  Last Friday, on his way to work D stopped at a yard sale on our block and looked at this table and chairs. He called me and I walked down and looked at it...I asked the lady having the sale to put a sold sign on it and I would go get cash...

The table is solid wood...I think maple...it is drop leaf and has two other inserts that are stored in the table itself, so it gets bigger! Plus I got 4 chairs, two captains and two armless...for $75...for all of it!!!

Gotta tend the dragons...

Orange Roving...*sigh*

This is the orange roving...I really loved this orange roving...the picture doesn't do the colors justice.   I blended three different colors so I would have a really pretty variegated yarn...nice smooth, consistent singles...I was going to Navajo ply them...the orange roving...DID NOT agree with this plan... I really don't know what the problem is with this roving or the blend of the three of them, but I could not make it hold a twist to save my life.  I was able to get a really nice consistent single, but then it would just...turn loose of itself.  I must have thrown away almost a half an ounce of single that just...turned loose.  I tried adjusting my wheel, how I drafted...nothing worked.

I finally decided to just see if I could ply the singles that I had and the more I tried to ply it...it just...turned loose...I am just stumped.  I admit defeat.  I cannot spin this roving...DAMMIT!!!

Anyone in blog land want to try your hand at the orange roving, just drop me a comment and I will contact you about sending it to you. I have wound the singles on my ball winder and those are also included so you can see the singles that I have done with it.  Good luck!

On a happier note! I finished my "Stroller Blanket"! This is the first completed knit for my daughter R and my grandson JL or "Little DeWayne". Two more to go before June 4...I think I can, I think I can.

I am about 12 rows away from having the blue central motif on "Crazy Train" before I begin the second green boarder! This has been a wonderful knit. I have loved every minute of it...

This is my Icelandic/Alpaca roving that I got at Stringtown in Ft. Smith...I am hoping that the bad mojo of the "orange roving" doesn't carry over to this wonderfully soft roving.  I plan on doing a fingering weight yarn to do "Stripe Study".   While the picture doesn't show it, the dark is a beautiful chocolate brown and the light is a beautiful fawn brown and I think they will be perfect!

Oh yeah...for the record...week 3....IT WASN'T ME!!!!

The Craziness

If you read here on occasion, you know that I use this space to "talk", to "think", to brainstorm and to show off handiwork.

I really don't mean for this space to be depressing, but I am I guess what would be called "depressed". I realize that there are great meds out on the market, but I choose not to use them as the ones I have tried in the past haven't help and if anything they have made things worse. Not to mention that a pill doesn't fix the problem...kind of like gastric bypass for people with emotionally charged eating...it doesn't fix the inside stuff...

I'm noticing lately that what I call "the craziness", my personal title for what goes on in my head, seems to be changing...and I'm not sure if it's changing for the better or the worse...maybe that's a good thing. I don't know.

I would like to think that I am working through issues and getting some things straightened out in my head but I don't know. I have such a feeling of being out of control right now.

We finally got our replacement stove this week and D had to go to 3 hardware stores to find a coupler to get it hooked up. Total craziness. In the midst of all of this the statement of "I have spent too much time and resources on this damned stove. Before I met you I never used one." Yeah...make me feel great. Out of character I respond..."add this to the list of things that I have Fxxxed up in your world." Not exactly the best way to handle that.

Just cause I'm a big girl doesn't mean my feelings don't get hurt...

I also know that the craziness is changing because I am looking for about 7000 yards of lace weight yarn.  There is a group on Ravelry called "The Princess Diaries 2.0".  "The Queen Susan Shawl" is speaking to me, not literally...not that far gone yet...but I want to knit this.

As soon as I finish "Crazy Train", "Coming Home" and Stroller Blanket...I am pretty sure that "The Queen Susan Shawl" is going to be in order.  Of course I also have 8oz of beautiful blue merino/silk roving that I want to spin to make a shawl. D got the roving for me for my birthday.

Gotta tend the dragons...TTFN

Guilt, Blame and Letting Go...

There are days that I am consumed in and with guilt...

Guilt for eating too much...guilt for not eating...guilt for being fat...guilt for not being angry that I am fat...

Guilt for having arthritis pain directly related to my weight so I don't take medication to make the pain ease...because I don't deserve to not hurt...

Guilt that I was not a good mother...

Guilt that I knit too much...guilt that I think about knitting and crafting and food literally all the time...

Guilt that my house is not clean...guilt that my carpets are stained, they came that way when D bought the house...

Guilt at being called a slacker and lazy because the house is not spotless and that I might still be in pj's at the end of the day...

Guilt that I haven't been able to find a job...

Guilt that money is extremely tight now...

Guilt when I grocery shop because I want something just for me, but that would be selfish...

Guilt that I want to spend money on yarn and books and fabric and food...

Guilt that I was not a good daughter...my mother left when I was 6 months old...I was 13 when I met her...my father sent me to my grandparents and for the last 2 or 3 years before he died he didn't speak to me...my grandmother, who raised me kept my ex-husband instead of me...Obviously...I have done something wrong or I am a bad person...

Guilt that the glasses that I wore for 2 years, and yes, occasionally fell asleep in, broke on Mother's day and it cost my family $238 to get me glasses...

Guilt for everything....

There are also days that I am flooded with blame...

Blame for our finances...

Blame for our weight...

Blame for the co-dependency of children...

Blames for aches and pains...

Blames for the inability to sleep...

Blame that we don't do anything...

Blame that me being lazy is why no projects get completed in our house...

Blame, BLame, BLAme, BLAMe, BLAME!!!!!

Today...I am going to start letting go...

Of the guilt...

And of the blame...

I'm done...

I've had enough...

I give...

Today is the day that self forgiveness begins...

One tiny, tiny step at a time...

For the Record...Week 2

I am proud to say...

For the record...for the second week...

IT WAS NOT ME!!!!!

Addictions and realizations

Has anyone out there been watching the show on OWN "Addicted to Food"?  I have...and it scares me a bit...I mean, really scares me.  When these people came to rehab all of them were talking about thinking about food constantly and about eating all the time. Even the two women that are "skinny" but still ill talk about thinking about food constantly...

I can relate to everyone of these people on this show...I think about food constantly...some days the smell of something sets me off in a crazed...I need that NOW!!! I was talking to D the other day and I was describing a coconut cake to him...All of a sudden he looks at me and says, "that's not right...it's only food".  Apparently I was getting way to excited about the idea of this cake and was a bit to passionate in my description...

I mean there is a reason that I'm as round as I am tall. I love food, good food...I have more than once sent things back that didn't taste good...Life is too short to eat bad food if you don't have to.

I mean, I have known for years that I turn to food for comfort, for solace. The experience of my hands getting sweaty around certain foods depending on how good or bad I felt at the time...

I have been wondering lately how a person, ok, me-could go about just stopping. Just stop all of it...

Stop the binging...stop the purging...stop the not eating...

I mean how hard can it be to develop a healthy relationship with food? Bwa hahahahahahaha!!!!!

Yeah right...a healthy relationship with food...I'll believe it when I see it.

I would like to be one of those people that don't live to eat, but that eat to live...you know to eat high quality, well made food...

I would really like to try...

Longing For The Past

At least that is what this quiz says.

I find that lately I have a longing...a desire for things of the past...

I want to put in a garden...to feel the warm soil on my hands...to smell the loamy smell of rich fertile soil...to raise food to put by for my family and maybe to gift the neighbors...

I want to make jams and jellies and to can...to sit down after cleaning the kitchen in the evening to knit and hear the "pop" of the jars sealing...to wipe the jars, tighten the lids and see the beautiful things that I have done for my family's comfort and well being...I feel this need deep in my soul...Like the call of sirens from days gone by...

I want to make bread and rich, thick stews from the bounty I have put by...to smell the bread baking and the stew cooking and know...I did this...to care for my loved ones...to nourish their bodies as doing it nourishes my soul...

I want to have chickens for fresh eggs and to see them scratching in the yard...to have a hen sit eggs and roosters for frying...

I want to card wool for spinning...

I want to spin wool into yarn for knitting warm things for my family's comfort...

I want to spin wool for wharp and wheft to weave cloth to make blankets and rugs to warm my family's beds and feet...

I want to make quilts to decorate my home and cover my family from the winters cold...

Somehow...somewhere...deep in my very soul...I miss these things.  I miss them as if I had just done all of these things just yesterday...I need to do these things as surely as I need to eat and breath...

I feel these things missing from my being...The need to reconnect with the old ways...to simpler times...

I feel the need to simplify...to have better quality and less quantity...

I...am...restless...

Time to tend the dragons...

For The Record...

I will admit that most times I am the bad influence on my group of friends that knit together on Wednesday nights...

But tonight...

Let the record show...

IT   WAS   NOT  ME!!!!!!

Everything All At Once

For the last two days I have been contemplating this post...

After 10 years of terror and fear...Osama Bin Laden is dead.

For survivors, family who lost loved ones, rescue workers and those who lost someone in 9-11...while it doesn't bring them back...I hope that you can begin to, or continue to heal. To know that this person will not be causing such horrific acts again...

For our men and women in uniform and their families...I thank you for the job that you, and your loved one does...I rest easier at night knowing that they are there...

For the ones left behind after loosing someone in the fight against terror...I'm so sorry for your loss and for what little it is worth, thank you...

To our President, I wish in your speech that you would not have said "I" so much...it was terribly tacky...had you been in the Middle East, in uniform and carrying a weapon with our men and women that are there, I would feel differently...

I was talking to my oldest girl R and she said that as a child she always thought that when Osama Bin Laden was killed/died it would be such a feeling of relief...but it isn't...now it seems like almost holding your breath to see what is going to happen next...

One final thing...let's remember that we should never rejoice at the death of someone...regardless of how bad or evil this man was...

Karma is a bitch...