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Thursday, September 16, 2010

I'm At The End

There are days, I mean there are really days that I just can't go on. Days that I truly feel at the end of my rope...

Today is that day...

I work so hard, or at least I thought I did, to make things nice for my family, or at least what I think of as my family...and yet...it seems the more I do, the worse it gets.

All my life I have worked at trying to be what everyone wanted. I wanted my mother...she really didn't and still doesn't want me. I wanted my father...he didn't want me, the fact that he chose his other family over me, long story. When I married R's father, I planned on being married until one of us died...he didn't want me either, evident by the drinking and sleeping with what I thought was my friend...in my house, probably in  my bed. yeah, great.

I would really like to know what it is exactly I have done. To know what exactly I need to fix about who I am so that me being me is acceptable.

I have a daughter that to this day, regardless of what she tells me, blames me for her father not being around. I have a son that tells me that he doesn't want or need me, he's 5. I hear about how I can't keep house. I can't manage money, yet that is what I do for a living. I've been told that I'm a bad parent, R graduated with a 4.12 GPA and to the best of my knowledge is very successful at whatever she tries. She is polite and well mannered, but I'm sure I had nothing to do with that.

I had a preacher get up infront of our congregation when I was a kid and pray that I would change my sinful ways so I didn't go to hell, I mean really people...I was 16 and had to work on Sunday mornings. I was 21 when I had my oldest child, never had a DUI or been arrested for drugs.

I've lived on my own since I was 16, working all the time except when I was married to R's father, because he didn't want me to work. I work 40 plus hours a week now and I really try...

But it really just isn't enough...

And I just really don't know what to do...