Sunday, July 15, 2012

Dark and gloomy

It's funny. As much as things change, things really do stay the same. 

I have been very slack on posts recently and I apologize, but things got dark for me. I realize that there are millions of people out there that are depressed and can't see any light at the end of the tunnel...there are millions that are much worse than I am...but for me life has been a bit dark.

After trying kinda hard to loose weight, mother nature kind of took over and I gained a lot of weight really quickly. A lot, like 25 pounds in 2 months, a lot. I got really, really blue...maybe even black.

School kicked my ass last semester, I had a major block with intermediate algebra...I pulled a C...go figure. I knew something was wrong the day that I had a total crying, I threw my book melt down after working on the same problem for 5 days and had a tutor tell me to "just think about it. It's easy." D came home just in time to witness the meltdown.

My body stopped working, the fear of pregnancy was definiately Aunt Flo for several months...went to the doctor to find out that why yes, Ms. Menopause was at the door...I have to say, I was not ready to hear that...

Needless to say that I have been trying to figure a few things figure out what I want and where I want to go...what I want to do...

For the first time in my life I am very self conscouse about how I look...I guess weighing about 330 pounds on a 5 feet tall, small bone structure frame will do that...I look back at the TV shows about the 1000 pound people and we all ask, "OH MY GOD! How does that happen?!"...It happens when you quit caring and the people around you try to help and you sneak food and ignore their pleas for you to help yourself...You don't eat and take care of your self because you hate yourself, then you eat to feel better and then you hate yourself all the more for eating...viscous cycle.

I have begun to go to behavioral health to "talk it out" deal with the aggressions that I have...apparently, I have a lot of aggression and anger that causes the dark times...Funny thing is though, that I am pretty sure I know more about my thearapist than she knows about me...She says I am good at redirecting conversation away from myself...D says I blatantly don't answer questions about myself.

Mood swings suck...not sleeping sucks...being angry and sad sucks...being fat sucks...trying to change it all sucks...

We went on vacation to the beach and I equate all of this suckiness to climbing sand work hard to climb to the top, only to have the sand shift and send you sliding back down the dune to the bottom...

So far, I've gotten back up and tried to keep climbing...most days I REALLY don't want to...I want to stay in bed and shut out the family won't allow that...

Thank God for my family...TTFN

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