My Aura and Other Things

This morning I was watching an old episode of a travel show and the hosts "aura" was brought up. She sat in a chair and things were done and a photo of her aura was taken. Fortunately, her aura was all rainbows, a very good place.

I am pretty sure that my aura at this moment in life is NOT a rainbow. I would lean very toward a very black aura. I have been very blue and working on trying to get out of being blue. I don't want to take medication for this because I don't understand how a serotonin blocker works, especially when serotonin is what is supposed to make us feel happy. I also don't like the fact that you can't just stop taking it. You see, I have taken such meds before and all that has happened is either I'm a zombie or I feel worse.

I know why I'm blue. I'm 40, morbidly obese, I ache (due to the obesity issue) and unemployed. I realize that in the grand scheme of things, these are not that big of an issue. People all over the world have it much, much worse than I do...I feel somewhat selfish by "voicing" my blueness, but I need to get it out. To purge myself of the blueness in a sense.

40, well this is out of my control. I'll reconcile this.

Unemployed, with the job market so flooded with people looking for a job, it's a horrible thing trying to find a job. R my daughter has suggested that I start and etsy shop, and I may. I need to get something out on Craigslist about teaching knitting, crocheting, sewing ect...Needless to say the job hunt continues...

Morbidly obese...such an ugly term...Morbidly obese...hmmm...this one, this is in my control. I am proud to say that I have been drinking more water. I have a terrible addiction to soda and I would really rather drink soda as anything else. I have been drinking a non-calorie soda, but I really thing that in the volume that I have a habit of drinking it, the artificial sweetener in it is causing part of the aching that I am experiencing. I need to start weening myself off of soda. Seriously, I imagine the CFO of a certain red and white soda company panicking at the thought of me cutting back on my soda intake, tee!

I need to try some of the carbonated waters on the market and see if they take care of the addiction. I also need to pull out the sun tea jar. Combat the soda with unsweetened ice tea with either lemon or lime.

I have been doing some exercise. Big plus...I am in hope that using the joints that ache will make them not ache quite so bad...or something else will hurt and I won't notice it. I have been working in my flower beds, my mail man approves. It's really comical to see this huge woman out in the yard, floppy hat, long sleeves, gloves, a wagon for the waste to take to my compost pile sitting on a stool working in a flower bed...Glad I can add humor to someones day.

I am going to "audition" the space I'm going to turn into my tomato bed. Basically, I'm going to go lay wet newspaper over the grass and weight them down to kill the grass so it's easier to get up. Then the fun begins! Digging, double digging and getting a nice loose soil created to plant my tomatoes. 6 plants, I have hope!!

I have been knitting. Crazy Train is coming along nicely. I am on the blue central motif and really enjoying the knit. It's moving along quickly and it's really a lot of fun showing it to people and seeing the look of confusion when you explain it's going to be a baby blanket...right now...it's a tube. :)

Once I complete the knitting the pattern calls for you to steek the whole thing and add a backing.

As I have never steeked anything, I am terrified, but in a really good roller coaster ride kind of way. I will post pictures. I have hopes of having this completed by mid May. I have remarkably been quite faithful to this project. Mind you, I do have a whopping 27 other things started...no really, 27...I counted. Hmmm...maybe I should list them for all to see! Maybe that would motivate me to finish up a few things.

Of course though, I sorted a few boxes of my stash the other day and discovered a shawl pattern that I now have and overwhelming urge to start. I have the yarn in stash! I have the needles! I wouldn't have to buy anything!!! Of course, casting on 992 stitches...bit of a hmmmmm moment.  Got to think about this for a minute.

S and I have been playing with the ball winder that D got me for my birthday. Lots of fun! S also started a new scarf of her own design...I am so proud of her!

I am still spinning the orange that I have been working on for what seems like a lifetime, this isn't helped by the fact that I have two new bags of roving I want to spin...

Well, I have dishes to do, clothes to wash and a tomato bed to create...

Not to mention dragons to tend...TTFN

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

Well, it's here...the big 4-0...I'm not quite reconciled to being 40. I just don't know if I like the idea of being 40...If I live to be 80, which in my DNA pool people live well into and past 80...still living independently, I am middle aged!!!! If I live to 90 I'm almost middle aged!!!! Somewhat of a sobering thought.

I'm still scratching my head trying to figure out how I got back to basically square one and 40 at the same time...I'm sure I will figure it out eventually.

Like I've said before the "0"'s and the "5"'s are hard for me. It's like these are the times that I tend to get really thoughtful and start looking back and also looking forward. Something like New Year's for most people.

There are things in my life that HAVE to change. I'm all of 5 feet tall and 300 lbs. This, this is one of the things that must change. I don't want to be old and fat and not able to walk because I can't support my weight. That frightens me. I drink GALLONS of soda. The bulk of it is Coke Zero, but still. This is something the must change. I have to find a job. This one thing is paramount. I HAVE to find a job. I am hopeful that the economy is getting better and that I will be able to find a job, but who knows. My SIL R was out of work for 2 years. That frightens me. Fortunately, she starts work on Monday. Very happy for her.

In the month of April, I would like to start making some of the changes that have to be made. I have a physical on April 11 with a full blood panel set of results waiting to be addressed and see just how much change is really needed. I'm sure the list will be long.

I am going to make the effort to drink more water and unsweetened tea than soda pop this month. I know it won't be perfect, but I am going to up my water intake this month. What is it? 28 days to make or break a habit...time will tell.

On a different note...Wednesday when I finally got to my knitting group, my wonderful friend N and her daughters S & L had decided to give me a birthday party. Complete with cupcakes, chocolate, yellow and my all time, level best favorite...red velvet with cream cheese icing! I was so thrilled that they think enough of me to do this.  Not only was there cupcakes...there were gifts!!

N and B, her husband, took a trip that in the grand scheme included a stop at Mitchell, NE and the

Brown Sheep facility!! I was so excited that she go to go and so incredibly jealous when she called while she was there.  I see a road trip in the future.

I had asked for 2 skeins of 

Brown Sheep's new lace weight yarn, which I might add is incredible.

I was very shocked when I was handed the bag containing the 2 skeins of lace weight in blue, my favorite color, and the bag of roving. When I asked what I owed her, she looked at me and smiled and said "Happy Birthday!"

I was so touched and tickled. She is a very good friend and I love her and her girls dearly.              

So far this morning has been pretty good. My SIL R has texted me to wish me a Happy Birthday. Of course D and S have wished me a Happy Birthday. I have even received a call from my step-mother wishing me a Happy Birthday. DS, some of our extended family, wished me Happy Birthday, so it's a good day so far. 

S just came and told me to check my email as I have a surprise waiting. So yes, good day so far. 

I think that I am going to lay down and take a nap. I'm going to knit and spin with no guilt today for the things that I should be doing. I may even take a lllooonnnnggggg hot shower instead of the normally utilitarian shower of 5 -10 minutes I usually do...

Who knows...maybe I will even embrace being 40...

I can't believe that I am turning 40!

I don't remember putting in the application to become an adult...I REALLY don't remember ever asking to turn 40, which I will on Friday. Someone stop the bus, I missed my stop!

I guess that I am a bit of an odd duck. I find that the birthday's that end with either a "5" or a "0" are really hard for me. It's really strange. I have always been like that. 15 was hard, 20 sucked, 25 was awful...30 I still haven't recovered from...there is a hell of a story behind 30, 35 I cried all week...and now 40...Good Lord.

My very dear friend N asked me the other day how I felt about turning 40...I thought it was an excellent question...Hmmmm...how do I feel turning 40???

I have to say that in the grand scheme of things that I never thought that at 40 I would be unemployed, starting basically over, 300 lbs...aka...morbidly obese, nor did I expect to have a grandchild on the way. I didn't expect to be as blue as I am these days...I am sure that I can pinpoint a few reasons that I am blue, but hey, knowing I am blue is half the battle. I didn't expect at 40 to acquire a weight related injury...the so called "heal spur" is not really a heal spur...it is a pain caused by lack of arch support and being overweight...especially in women. At 40 I didn't expect to have to pluck everyday because of the lack of estrogen or the presence of testosterone. I really didn't expect my attitude to be as tainted and bad as it is at this very moment in time. To name just a few.

On the flip side of this grand scheme of things...I'm gonna be a Nana!! Pretty cool stuff. Timing could definitely been better, but mommy and baby are both good. R, my oldest daughter, for the first time in a very, very long time...is ok. She tells me that for the first time in a very long time she can just breath...That fact alone makes all other things pail in comparison. There were many days that I really, really worried that she would do something awful. On being unemployed...well, the job market sucks...no one is calling for interviews...I am giving thought to the fact that maybe I should take this time to go back to school. On being morbidly obese...well, I must have enough to have food in the house or I wouldn't be 300 lbs...the weight related injury...yeah...God's way of saying maybe it's time I do something different...Got the message. My bad attitude and being blue...well, hopefully these will pass...of course menopause lasts how long???

I find that I am very restless these days and crave change. Which for me is really strange as I hate change and surprises. April Fool baby here...yes, that's right...my birthday is April 1. I had sick friends in high school too...

There are days that I feel really weary and old, but for the most part I think blue sums it up.

I have been very introverted this week. Thinking about things and things that I would like to change. There has to be some change in my life or I am going to snap...I just have to figure out what the changes are going to be.

Now...on a lighter note...

I was very excited to receive an email from Leslie the author of the wonderful blog "A Friend to Knit With" asking if I would like a drop spindle...Yes, yes I would!! It came yesterday! What a wonderful way to start the week before my birthday than with a gift!!

I started to pre-draft the roving when it dawned on me that I needed to take a picture of it. I have to say that I found getting started with it a lot easier than I expected to. I think it is really very cool to be able to create yarn while watching TV or talking without being tied to a wheel. Mind you I love my wheel, but I will definitely be using this drop spindle a lot. I can see adding more drop spindles to create a new obsession...I mean collection. The drop spindle also seems to interest my daughter S. Who knows? We may have a spinner out of her yet?!

There has been knitting around the home front. I mentioned above that I am going to be a Nana...and every good knitting Nana has to knit. I found this lovely pattern, "Baby Blanket Latvian Garden". I think that this is a beautiful blanket.  So, I looked through the projects, found one that was done in Knit Picks Palette yarn and well...the crazy ensued. Hence my naming Josiah's blanket "Crazy Train". 

 Rachel has a really interesting sense of color and really doesn't want to have "tradition" baby colored things.  Well, I can truly understand that. There is only so much pastel green, yellow and blue a person can stand. So, when I originally asked her what color she would like her baby blanket she said yellow and orange...I have to say...these would not be my first choices, but it is her baby.

So, while I started a different blanket, I was cruising around Ravelry and found the Latvian pattern and ordered varying shades of oranges, she always liked green I love chocolate and blues...basically everyone is happy!!

Happily, Rachel was here when I received the package from Knit Picks and was very happy both with the color and the pattern!! SCORE for mom.


So far the pattern has been pretty easy and fun. So I hope to have it completed well before August when Josiah is supposed to make his debut...and hopefully I can finish Coming Home for Rachel too!

Gotta tend the dragons...TTFN!

I wish it was Wednesday

You ever find days when you feel incredibly lonely in a house full of people?

I really with it was Wednesday...then I could go knit with my friends...

Contemplation

It's really funny to sit here typing...I have been thinking about posting for several days now...such a slacker.

I have hit almost month 4 of unemployment...it still sucks ass. My quiet little world has somewhat turned upside down with the addition of 3 people, a dog and two fish...that's ok though. I love the additions, I always wanted a big family.

I turn 40 this year...yes, I know...women hit 40 everyday...buy why is it really hard to have the "0" and "5" birthdays? I mean, am I the only one that contemplates what milestones these are? Surely not...I can't be...can I?!

I have been really, really tired lately. I can't really figure it out, I'm not doing anything to get tired...then it dawned one me...

I am so blue...I have started to notice the tell-tale signs that it's happening...not wanting to dress, not wanting to shower...yes it's gross...not wanting to leave the house and yet wanting to fly apart because I need to get out of the house...rushing around at 3 pm to dress because D will be home soon...it's scary and in the same time...comforting...

I have hit the point that at least I recognize these things are happening...so I can get a handle on it...

I have started setting daily goals for myself...this seems to help. I have cleaned and purged my room...I planted roses and peonies...little things, but accomplishments just the same.

The stress I feel is incredible. I don't think that D realizes just how stressed I am about not having a job...I know he is stressed.

I need to just breathe...

It's really funny to me...the bluer I get, the more complicated things that I try to find to do. I have a big project that I am going to be starting next week. I have hopes that the "Crazy Pond"...at least that is what my friends are calling it...will help me shake the blues...more on the project next week.

I will also be posting some things in my life that I am going to try and change in the next few days...things are changing around here...let's hope that I have it in me to complete the trip...

Breakfast of Champions...or...I REALLY need a job

Bread Pudding with real maple syrup...does a body good! Besides, what is bread pudding but French toast with a better publicist? I mean really, bread, milk, eggs, sugar, cinnamon and vanilla...French toast or bread pudding.

It was very tasty and exactly what I needed. We have had major weather the last couple of weeks. I think a total of about 3 ft of snow in an area that we are really doing something to see about 3 inches of snow a year.  Almost 2 weeks of school missed...2 weeks of horrible cabin fever. I am SO ready for spring and  the coming of green!

I have been knitting on "Coming Home" aka Spanish Armada.  I am currently on row 78 of 159, ending chart 4 of 9 and currently, if my calculations are correct, at 368 stitches per round...I am having a ball with this pattern.

This is my 4th lace project and I think that this one is my favorite so far. It is going to be huge and it is going to be beautiful. I cannot wait to see how it turns out.

Of course, there has been other knitting...My friend N made a pair of Duffers and I thought that they were adorable. So, like any rational knitter...I cast on and knit a pair.

I got gauge, I used two strands of worsted weight yarn...then I felted them. Yeah...they are exactly 1/2 in too short...after felting and stretching them within an inch of their felted little life...You have to love the knitting gods...
I'm still looking for work, very depressing. My house is somewhat clean, a good thing...

I have decided that I am going to spin yarn for the Morning Surf Shawl. I am going to do it at least 2 times. The first yarn I am working on is in teal, green and purple. I will spin singles of each color and then ply them to get something of a variegated yarn...at least that is the plan.

For the second one I have an idea that I am working on. I would really like to Navajo ply variegated yarn for this shawl. No waste. The only problem is that I have only solid color roving...but...I have a plan...

TTFN...

How can it be February?

February 4...really?! Where did January go? I know I slept in there somewhere...but February?

January was a long, long trying month. I finished the now doily. That was good...I lost my job. That was really, really bad...Got a clean bill of health from my ob-gyn...that was good...except for the fact that I now have to have a diagnostic mammogram...not so good. Found out I am going to be a Nana...both good and bad. Happy to have a grand baby...could have been better timing.

With the baby come...BABY KNITS!!!! This could be a good thing...R is thinking about becoming an RN...this can be a good thing...Not getting married just because she's pregnant...that is definitely a GOOD thing!

I am going stir crazy...I don't like to not work. I am not at my best when I am not working. I feel less than worth anything...dumb I know, but it's how my head works...I was home with R for 12 years and while I loved being at home with her...I really like to work. I love the sense of having somewhere to go in the mornings.

I have discovered that while some things drive me absolutely bat poop crazy...I love to knit lace...I REALLY love to knit lace...the more complicated the better.
                                                                                

This is the "Spanish Armada". I have decided to call it "Coming Home". The sole reason that I am knitting this piece, other than the need to knit lace, is for my daughter R to have an heirloom piece to make the birth of her first child.

I hope that she will wrap her wee babe in it to come home. That will be up to here. Use it, save it, throw it away...it's up to her.

Well, 2011 is proving so far to be an ass kicker of a
year. I am somewhat scared of what else the year
will bring...but you know what they say...God hates a coward.

I would like to use this year to kind of pull my head out of my ass and try to fix a few things. I would like to get my head straight...it that is at all possible. I would like to start repairing my credit. I would like to start some kind of savings. I would like to work on my health. I would like to work on being more of who I am...That of course means that I have to figure out "Who" I am.

It dawned on me the other day that for the first time in my life I don't have a parent that I have to placate or keep happy. That there is the potential for just...being.

I would really like to eat more local, sustainable, organic when affordable and available and whole. I realize that most people say that, but I feel far to old to be as young as I am. I need a change, and the change is inside me. Not scenery or anything like that.

I just really need to get things straight...gotta tend the dragons...TTFN