Radio Silence

I had no idea it had been over a year.

So, last November I was diagnosed as a Type II diabetic...I've been REALLY, REALLY angry for th most year.
I mea, I had lost 40 pounds and things went to crap...I have felt very cheated.

Monogamy

Monogamy means different things to different people. To some it means that there is one and only one romantic partner...to some monogamy means boring and tiresome...to crafters...monogamy is a highly controversial thing...

As a partner, I am painfully monogamous...I'm old dog loyal to my partner...and I expect the same from him.

As a crafter...I tend to be a hussy...I have so many projects started...so many things in the works...there are soooooo many patterns and projects...

I have about decided to try craft monogamy...Yes, that's what I said...project monogamy.

I really like the idea of finishing things...and I need some control...ok...I need a lot of control.

I gave up guilt for Lent and well, I have decided to continue with the giving up of guilt...no one else seems to have guilt that makes them do anything...so...I refuse to feel guilt that is imaginary or that I create unnecessarily. I have given myself permission to be ok taking care of me and making decisions that make me happy...I have also decided that it's ok if I get angry or sad or blue...I just need to deal with the issues.

I find as I age that I am craving healthier things...That I want to have some order and control.

I will be posting pictures in a few days of the projects that I am going to practice monogamy with...I hope that it works.

Take care and be happy...TTFN...off to tend the dragons...

Getting things together...

I don't know if anyone ever looks here anymore...or if they ever did. If you did, I apologize for the downtime...

In the movie "Coalminers Daughter" there is a part in the movie when Loretta Lynns character tells her fans that "either you run your life or your life runs you"...as in the movie...my life has definitely been running me...and it's time for a change.

I have days when I am so angry, I don't know why, but if you could power the world with anger, I could power the world...Other days, I am so sad that all I want to do is sit and cry...

For the last few months I have been trying to work on eating cleaner and healthier...for those of you who have read my blog and last years attempt at weight loss...yeah not so good.

I topped out at 322.8 pounds. This morning I weighed in at 294.4 pounds. Not too bad. It has been slow, but I have been able to maintain which is important. I am almost at a 10% loss. I find this exciting and motivating. I hope to continue to loose a bit, the doctor says 93 to 115 lbs. I laugh at her...a lot...At the high end, if you can call 115 lbs the high end that is 208 lbs. of weight loss.  Basically 2 people.

I am proud to say that my lateral tears are healing quite nicely and I started walking pretty regular, but my car broke down and I haven't been able to walk for a while...We have an elliptical, but did you know that you can be too short for an elliptical? you can and I am.

I am still in school and after talking with the advisor can see the end of the tunnel, but I have decided to extend the tunnel and upon graduating NWACC move on to JBU to complete a 4 year bachelors and to take the CPA.

I still work at Mocking Bird Moon as the Knit Dr. and love that. I teach classes and if anyone is interested will start a sock class in April and another "Unpattern" class in May, sign up is available now.

I have dubbed 2013 as take care of me and so far I have worked pretty hard to do that. I decided to give up my own imagined guilt. Some days are easier than others, but so far so good.

I have many projects working and will start posting more often with pictures and the like.

I will also be posting about some of the changes that I am working on making.

With a birthday on Monday, I intend to use it more as my "New Years" than I did January 1.

More to come and I promise, it won't be as long as it has been...

Gotta tend the dragons...TTFN

All I Can Say...

Yes...tonight...from the start...

It was me...from the pump action to the judge bored "stiff" and his shocked court clerk...it was me...

TTFN!

WOO HOO!!!

Finally!!!

After almost 2 years!!!! I Got A JOB!!!!!

Today was my first day and it was a good first day!  It feels like a good fit and I am looking forward to going back tomorrow.

Thank you to all that kept the good job mojo coming all this time!

Also, on the knitting front...

This weekend I will be launching a new group on Ravelry.  I will post a link to it here as soon as I get it done. I was going to do it today....but...I had to WORK!!!

Gotta tend the dragons...TTFN

Tuesday

I am proud to say that it wasn't me...

Of course, I am told that the bigger the group the less likely it is going to be me...

TTFN...

Dark and gloomy

It's funny. As much as things change, things really do stay the same. 

I have been very slack on posts recently and I apologize, but things got dark for me. I realize that there are millions of people out there that are depressed and can't see any light at the end of the tunnel...there are millions that are much worse than I am...but for me life has been a bit dark.

After trying kinda hard to loose weight, mother nature kind of took over and I gained a lot of weight really quickly. A lot, like 25 pounds in 2 months, a lot. I got really, really blue...maybe even black.

School kicked my ass last semester, I had a major block with intermediate algebra...I pulled a C...go figure. I knew something was wrong the day that I had a total crying, I threw my book melt down after working on the same problem for 5 days and had a tutor tell me to "just think about it. It's easy." D came home just in time to witness the meltdown.

My body stopped working, the fear of pregnancy was definiately there...no Aunt Flo for several months...went to the doctor to find out that why yes, Ms. Menopause was at the door...I have to say, I was not ready to hear that...

Needless to say that I have been trying to figure a few things out...to figure out what I want and where I want to go...what I want to do...

For the first time in my life I am very self conscouse about how I look...I guess weighing about 330 pounds on a 5 feet tall, small bone structure frame will do that...I look back at the TV shows about the 1000 pound people and we all ask, "OH MY GOD! How does that happen?!"...It happens when you quit caring and the people around you try to help and you sneak food and ignore their pleas for you to help yourself...You don't eat and take care of your self because you hate yourself, then you eat to feel better and then you hate yourself all the more for eating...viscous cycle.

I have begun to go to behavioral health to "talk it out"...to deal with the aggressions that I have...apparently, I have a lot of aggression and anger that causes the dark times...Funny thing is though, that I am pretty sure I know more about my thearapist than she knows about me...She says I am good at redirecting conversation away from myself...D says I blatantly don't answer questions about myself.

Mood swings suck...not sleeping sucks...being angry and sad sucks...being fat sucks...trying to change it all sucks...

We went on vacation to the beach and I equate all of this suckiness to climbing sand dunes...you work hard to climb to the top, only to have the sand shift and send you sliding back down the dune to the bottom...

So far, I've gotten back up and tried to keep climbing...most days I REALLY don't want to...I want to stay in bed and shut out the world...fortunately...my family won't allow that...

Thank God for my family...TTFN

For the record

For the record...

Yes, it was me that started the conversation...but...it is not my fault that Apple has THAT app for the iPhone!

For any of you Knaught Knitters and Crochety Hookers out there, until further notice we will be meeting at the Panera's in Bentonville on Tuesday nights, 6:30 pm to 8:30/9:00 ish.

TTFN...

Who Says the knitting and crocheting artists have no voice?

USOC, once again, do you realize the potential fundraising possibilities that you could have had?

I am very happy to see that as a community, we, artists that knit and crochet, were able to get the message across..

These folks need to realize and remember that as artists that knit and crochet we are not all "grandmas" or women or homebodies...we are a diverse cross culter of everyone. I bet that even some of Team USA does some form of fiber art to relax...would that mean that they too are considered part of the group that takes away from Team USA?

It is also nice that the USOC knows when to apologize...

The "Ravolympics"...oops! can't say that

Long time no post, sorry for that and more on that later.  If anyone out there is still reading...My most sincere thank you.

It has been brought to the attention of the knitting/crocheting world that the USOC (United States Olympic Committee) is a bit "unhappy" with Ravolympics and would like the name, patterns and all things that are associated with it removed. That they feel, "a competition that involves an afghan marathon, scarf hockey and sweater triathlon, among others, tends to denigrate the true nature of the Olympic Games. In a sense, it is disrespectful to our country’s finest athletes and fails to recognize or appreciate their hard work."

I find this amazing, if you go to their website, the USOC is asking for donations to add stitches to the American Flag in support of our Olympic atheletes.

Something that I find really very sad, that the USOC and the Olympic atheletes are so insecure and so pompus that they are theatened by a group of artists/crafters trying to acheive their best, while watching and supporting our atheletes attempt to acheive their best. It would seem to me that these folks at the USOC would have seen the Ravolympics as what it could have been...a win-win for everyone.

Knitters and Crocheters are historically very supportive people. See the Yarnharlot's page and the Doctors Without Borders donation total.
I really think that this could have all been handled differently, I think that there was a real possiblity that had the USOC thought for a moment about it, a huge potential for donations to support Team America could have been found.

I know that I have never compaired myself to an Olympic athelete, but I have certainly pushed to meet a personal best while watching the Olympics. It was a time for me to push myself and to watch these incredibly talented individuals work to achieve their personal best and a lifelong goal.

I understand that legally, the USOC has to protect their "logo". What they need to remember, we are Americans too, and were not trying to take away from the athletes, but to feel more at one with them and to offer unwaivering support for our team and country.

So very sad that these folks seem to be so threatened by a group of artists/crafters...shame on you USOC for demeaning us because of your insecurites...I'm not sure that I will be able to watch the Olympics, something I have done almost religiously for the last 20 years, because I know that the USOC thinks that we as knitters and crocheters are less...

Weigh in 2-19-12

Woo Hoo!!

302.4

I have been eating more regularly and it seems to be helping.

TTFN!!!

Weighing in

306

I came really close to not posting this week's weigh in. I could cry. I have sat and thought and I find that I am falling back into old habits and old eating patterns. I need to really get a grip on it and start eating better.

I am supposed to be getting my tax returns soon so I think when I do I will go grocery shopping and stock the freezer and cabinets with healthy food choices.

I have been lazy and I have to stop.

TTFN...

Restless

For the last week or so I have been feeling unsettled. I don't know if anyone else knows what I am talking about, but I have. A feeling of dissatisfaction and unrest. Of not being centered.

I find myself longing for things that aren't happening and probably won't happen...unless there are changes...Changes that I don't really know just yet how to make.

I have yet to find the true motivation to start adding exercise to my day, yet I still get really aggrivated when I don't loose any weight...I continue to think that I don't have time and yet there won't be time unless I make, or rather, take time. I am still struggling with the idea that it is ok to take care of me.

I find that I want to eat...not just a "hmm, I'm hungry" but a deep seated NEED to eat. I am so stressed right now. Once again Algebra is kicking my butt. I have to find a way to get a different mind set about Algebra. I have 18 hours this semester, yes I did that to myself, but to get everything done, I had to. J, my youngest, is making me crazy. He thinks he is 10 feet tall and has the attitute to match. My house looks like a goat exploded, for the animal rights people...chill...it's an expression.

I watched a show about hoarders the other day and was somewhat disturbed, not just by the mess, but by what one of the phsycologists said. She was talking about how people tend to think that hoarders are lazy and undisciplined, but that was not true. She said that most hoarders were very detail oriented and very much perfectionists. That if they couldn't do something perfectly, then they would get stuck and couldn't go forward.  That statement scared me...

I look around me and look at all the things that I need to do and I get so overwhelmed. I need to start and yet I can't find a spot to start. When I think that I have found a place to start it kind of snowballs into what else needs to be done to do this...Basically, I get stalled and lost and a lot of the time, I don't do anything. The show about the hoarders...it scared me because I can see how it could happen...

So many things need change and I so don't know how to go about it...

Must go tend the dragons...ttfn.

Weigh in #5

Who would have thought that about 9.6 lbs in I would hit a plateau?!

303.0

I suppose that I should be really happy that I haven't gained...but...something has to give.

I will make a concerted effort to add some form of cardio to my daily routine and *shudder* work with the bow flex.

TTFN

February Check In

Sorry for being a day late...5 page summary paper and got called in to teach a class at Mockingbird Moon.

So, here are the cold hard facts for the month of January.

       

	1/1/2012		2/1/2012	Totals
Weight	312.6		303	9.6	Pounds
Neck	18		17	1	Inches
Upper Arm	19.5		18	1.5	Inches
Wrist	7		6.75	0.25	Inches
Chest	55		53	2	Inches
Waist	56		54	2	Inches
Hips	58		56	2	Inches
Upper Thigh	31		30	1	Inches
Calf	23.5		23.25	0.25	Inches
				10	

I was a little disappointed that there wasn't more lost, but I got to thinking about it.  I lost almost 10 lbs and I did loose 10 inches. I'm on track and with proper eating and if I add exercise, I will be in a good place.

Now for the pictures...they aren't pretty...but here they are....

Looking at these I think I must really rethink my shirt options. 

Anyway...got reading to do...knitting content in the next few days...TTFN!



Weigh in #4

Sorry to be a day late posting.  I have been crazy busy.

Weigh in #4 on Sunday...

303.0

I hate that I have gained, but I am really glad that it was no more than it is. I have the dietitians food plan and will grocery shop Tuesday. I will get back on the horse this week.  I will be back on Feb 1 with a picture, weight and measurements.

Gotta write 700-1000 words for Comp I...TTFN

Irony

Sometimes life can be funny...not necessarily in a good way, but not necessarily in a bad way.

You always read, hear or are told that "before you begin any weight loss/exercise program check with your doctor"...Oddly enough, things worked out that I had a dr's appointment on January 9 this year and after asking the 2 questions that I had the appointment for, my dr. asked if I needed anything else. I casually mentioned that I needed to schedule a physical, I told her about wanting to loose 100 lbs this year, and my annual exam, ect. Dr. Bailey says..."We can do the physical now!" Uh??? OK?

30 minutes and a UA, a complete blood work up and dr's release to exercise later,  I leave the dr's office kind of wondering what had just happened. About a week later...Dr. Bailey's nurse called me...that's NEVER a good thing.

There were a couple areas of concern. My cholesterol is high...I'm 300+ pounds, of course my cholesterol is high...duh. The shocker though, my glucose levels where high. All these years my fasting blood sugars have been textbook perfect, around a 70 or 75. Apparently, the guidelines for diabetes have changed...

My cholesterol is 231, LDL is 157...apparently this is not a good thing. My HDL is 74, apparently this is not high enough.  My historical glucose is 6.1, high normal is 5.7...long story short...I got to go see a diabetic educator/dietitian today...

Rachel, the diabetic educator/dietitian, was very observant. She complemented the knitting I was doing. An enterlac bag for a class I'm teaching at Mockingbird Moon starting on Feb 18, 3:30 pm to 5:30 pm and there will be 3 follow up classes for questions and finishing. I'll post a picture of the class sample in progress tomorrow...

Anyway...I ask if I am going home with a glucometer, thankfully no. Apparently, I have to have my historical glucose tested again April 11 and if I can get it under 5.7 I'm in the clear, if not...well, then the glucometer comes home.

So I told Rachel about my resolution to loose 100 lbs this year. She looked at me kind of funny, I explained that 52 weeks, 2 lbs a week...it's doable. She thought for a minute and got this funny look on her face and smiled really big...and asked me how she could help!!! I was gobsmacked!

We talked for almost an hour and I came home with a food plan for 1500 calories and 2 weeks of sample menus, PLUS a sheet showing me how many servings of each food group I need a day with recipes!  I am so excited about this. I told her about using sparkpeople.com and we talked about what I was eating. I explained that I was kind of lost, that I knew the basics but needed some direction.

Rachel made me an appointment to check my glucose and cholesterol on April 11 and she is going to see me every 3 months to help me stay on track and adjust my calories as I loose.  I think that was really cool. She did not laugh at me. She didn't chew my ass. She ASKED how she could help me.

I hope that she realizes that asking that question helped as much or more than the food plan she created for me...

Gotta make a grocery list...and read...TTFN

The Tale of Weight Gain...at least last weeks

Yes, I gained weight...Yes, I am MAJORLY wigged by this fact...Unfortunately, I know why I gained weight last week...

I had a cocky food week last week. I was feeling over confident by the first two weeks and loosing weight. I ate sugar 3 or 4 times and I really don't know what it is other than pure addiction, but that throws me for a loop every time.  I drank soda 3 or 4 times...I know better. I didn't eat fiber filled foods so things didn't "flow" as they should have.

I knew on Wednesday that I was going to gain weight. I somewhat panicked and thought really hard about, as in I caught myself reaching for, using a laxative to purge. Heck, I thought about purging. Yes, I have done these things before. I'm not proud of it, but I have.

I decided NOT to use a laxative and I decided NOT to purge but to cope with it. It doesn't make me happy. It doesn't make me feel stronger. I feel like sh*& for gaining 1.2 lbs of weight...and I shouldn't. Life happens...but I do.

This morning, I made the rice bowl for breakfast. High fiber, high flavor and savory. I had coffee without sweetener or cream and I have my trusty water glass next to me. I am going to do my best to get back on track and make conscious decisions to make better food choices.

Like I said before...going public with my weight loss is not easy for me, but I feel like it keeps me feeling accountable, as odd as that may sound.

Today I will use the bow flex. I will take care of me. I will NOT beat myself up anymore about gaining 1.2 lbs of weight. I will shake it off and go on.

*sigh* always sounds so much better and easier than it actually is.

Gotta do homework, I'm the dumba@# that decided to take 18 hours AND loose 100 lbs...yeah...TTFN

Weigh in #3

Dammit...

302.2

Can't say I'm surprised. Two bad food weeks in a row...More tomorrow.

TTFN 

The Bow Flex

This...thing...

Lives in my craft/spare/soon to be office/bedroom...and it's scary.

I guess if you were not a 40 something, 5 ft tall, severely overweight and totally out of shape woman it wouldn't be so scary...However, I am a 40 something, 5 ft tall, severely overweight and totally out of shape woman, so it's scary.

Well, today I made it's acquaintance. I actually went in and USED it! The person we bought it from still had the work-out poster and I did all the upper body exercised on it. I will TRY and do the lower body work-out tomorrow.

I was really surprised that no longer than what I was on the machine, I have jelly arms and my abs are kind of the "gonna really hurt tomorrow" feel already...did I mention just HOW out of shape I am?

I used 15 pounds of resistance and did reps of 12, one rep per exercise. I know it isn't much, but I did it. I made the decision to, for that brief few moments, to take care of me...and I'm glad.

I grew up in a house where the mother figure - my grandmother - never did for herself. She always did for everyone else and had a tendency to be over critical when I would do something for me and inform me that I was selfish and I was bad for doing those things.  Long story short. To make the decision to do these few things, as menial and small as they are, for me. To take care of me. Is, to me, a big deal.

I'm really proud of the fact that I have maintained what I have been doing this long, yeah 16 days isn't that long, but it is. It takes 28 days to create or get rid of a habit. I am 12 days away from cementing a habit of healthier food choices. If I do the bow flex tomorrow, I will be 26 days away from cementing a habit of strength training...now to start walking.

I like to walk, I DON'T like to walk on the street. We don't have sidewalks on our block, so you have to walk in the street. As stupid as it is, because no one drives crazy on our block, it makes me very, very nervous. I feel like I am being watched and it bothers me.

Now to just get past that...TTFN