Turkey Day!!!

Long time no blog entry...life is hectic. Of course, it is that time of year...Thanksgiving, J's 5th birthday, Christmas, New Years...closely followed by tax season and Valentines day and Easter...good grief but it is a mind numbing list...not to mention that I hate the commercialization of Christmas.

However, with yesterday being Thanksgiving I must say that I have a tremendous amount to be thankful for. 

This band of "goof-nuggets" are what I am the most thankful for. They, as a whole, make my world complete. While they all might make me crazy, it would truly be the end of me is anything happened to anyone of them.

We had a good turkey day. A total of about 20 people in all. We were fortunate to have all of our household and JM, D's sister and her husband, D's father and an assortment of extended family and friends. Turkey and ham, the turkey must have been good as there was none left!

I, D and all are healthy and in this economy, D and I both have jobs and we can pay the bills and feed the kids. Life is good.

In all of this I have started a new project. I frogged a sweater and started something new when I got done frogging it.  Since life has gotten kind of grey I decided to add some green to my life. 

What does one do when it's November and you have enough Cascade 220 wool in green for 2 sweaters? Why, what else nut knit the February Lady Sweater!

I was originally going to knit another sweater with this yarn, we went to Tulsa, Ok, approximately 2 hours from home, in probably 1 of 2 of the worst snow storms of year. The shop I wanted to go to originally was closed when we got there due to the 8 inches of snow on the ground and we were fortunate to find Loops, http://www.loopsknitting.com/!

This is by far one of the best yarn shops I have been to. They have a PLAYROOM for the little ones and they have coffee and a TV room for the non-knitters of the group and we were nicely greeted with coffee and cookies. They were very welcoming and I would suggest it to anyone!

I would hope that this will be an easy knit, so far I'm still on the garter stitch yoke, but it really is about the only knit I have in constant motion.

I can't help but say again that this is by far the most family friendly yarn shop that I have ever been in. The wonderful woman and her husband were most friendly and helpful and even insisted on winding all the yarn that I bought so I wouldn't have to wind it by hand! 

I hope that everyone out there has had the good fortune of having health, and a job this season. If not I hope that the furture gets better for you.

Also, remember that this is a hard time of year for people. As humans and as individuals, we should take the time to treat all the people around us as we want to be treated and remember that life is hard enough without us all making things harder on each other. Be kind. Be tolerant and remember that a smile and a soft word make most peoples days much better and, somehow, kind treatment and a smile have a way of spreading...not to mention...the good carma...is a really good thing to have on your side.

Take care...off to tend the dragons and make ginger cookies! ttfn

Since I Did Say Something About Knitting

Sorry for the long radio silence. Life is hectic and harried. I have been knitting though.  I finished the other half of "Insanity" and I have sucessfully completed, more or less, the left mitt of the "Podster" mitts by Glenna C. over at http://crazyknittinglady.wordpress.com/ . I have to say for a first time mitt knitter, they could be addictive. Glenna does the best patterns though. If you haven't seen the "Wicked" or "Yellow Brick Road" socks you should go look, they are fabulous!!

Anywho...Here is a picture of the completed left mitt. I love the thumb. Yes, I am at work, yes I took these pictures on my iPhone...Like I said before...I LOVE MY IPHONE!!  One of these days...it had better be soon...I need to learn to kitchner.  You see, these mitts and my stole "Insanity" both need to be kitchnered.

I have been reading Franklin over at http://the-panopticon.blogspot.com/ and in his archives he fused some lace with a pass the slipped stitch...I wonder if that would work. If the "Big Man" himself came and said kitchner or buy UV 9000...I would be in the market for UV 9000.

But the mitts are great, my 13 year old S has claimed these. It's better that way, she has long pretty fingers instead of short fat ones.

Yes, that is a cap you see in the picture. That's what makes these great, warmth and function...of course there are 2 iPhones and 2 iTouchs in our house so these are popular.  R my 17, soon to be married...decided these were just the thing to try something small on dpns. She knits, well. She has made all sorts of hats and done a beautiful job. She also has small, pretty hands...ring size 5 1/2, don't ask me where she got them, they aren't mine.

I am using yarn that I bought at  Sager Creek Quilt Shop http://www.sagercreekquilts.com/ . Pam and her husband run a beautiful shop. Not only for fabric but also yarn and felting supplies. It was a hand painted sock yarn that I have since lost the name of the colorway and the producer. *Bad Knitter, Bad Knitter*

I am also using size 1 bambo dpn made by Addi, actually they are about 1 1/2, but they get the gauge right. Happily purchased at Hand Held Knitting, http://www.handheldknitting.com/

Anyway, this is the right mitt and I am working on the fingers. I have the index finger done and hope to finish this weekend in the car.

ttfn...gotta go feed the dragons. :)

I'm Angry...

I'm so angry right now...I don't really know how to describe it. I'm just angry!

Have you ever had a day that you just could not explain it, or rather you could but no one will listen? That's where I am at....

I'm angry at my boss. I am angry at my house...I really, REALLY want Alice for Christmas...I'm angry at my weight, as I ate 2 sausage cheese biscuits, have a large Dr. Pepper and have plans on pecan pie and another Dr. Pepper and leftover pizza for later. I'm angry with my hair. I'm angry with alot of the people in my house. Most of all, I think I am angry at my father and family, current household excluded.

I really wonder how much anger is really a part of the grieving process. I mean, usually when you hear people talk about grief anger is mentioned but not really mentioned...I'm here to tell you...I'm angry.

I'm angry with him for not putting me first. I'm angry at me for not trying harder, never enough, never good enough. I'm angry with my mother for leaving and then having more children that she kept. I'm angry with my mother for not wanting to meet me until her daughter Christy was killed. Yeah, find out you have a sister and that she was killed on the same day. BIG FUN. I'm angry with her that whenever I see her out an about alone she is all lovey dovey, but when she is with someone she doesn't know who I am. That Bites!! I'm angry with my grandmother, God rest her soul, for picking O, my ex, over me. I'm angry for all the times as a child that I was made to feel bad for being a burden and then being told that I was too independent for my own good. Over the years that has been a very useful thing. I'm angry for being told as a child that I "wasn't part of the family". A child should never be told something like that. I'm angry that when she died, I was the last one contacted...

I'm angry that when my father died, I was the last one contacted. That sucked. I'm angry with my Step-mother Di for making life miserable for him when I was around or where I was concerned. I'm angry with Di for always telling me what a bad person I am and then when he died saying how much she loves me and how welcome I am, bull shit. I'm angry that Di calls me and asked what I would like that was my fathers and then telling me oh no, you can't have that.

I'm angry that my father wanted boys and that I wasn't enough. Yes, I know this for a fact. When I was 15 he informed me that if he had know how having children was going to turn out, he would have never had them. Yeah, nuff said...

I'm really angry that I can't seem to get centered and find some balance and peace, because man...I need some peace. I'm angry that I never feel like I'm good enough to be "enough" for anyone.

For once in my life...I would like to be enough, do enough, make enough and for once, be the most important person in someones life or somewhere close to it....

It really makes me angry to feel ashamed for being angry, and to feel like I'm whining and feeling sorry for myself...so yeah, I'm ANGRY!!!!!

Crack....

That's what's going to happen...I'm going to crack. I can't explain exactly why, but fu#$! I am so STRESSED!!! It's to the point that I just can't. There are not many times in life that I say "I can't", but...I...just...can't.

I am to the point that I have to figure out how to deal with it...or I'm going to crack. I dream all the time about all of the things that I need to do, what I haven't done, of what I am not doing enough of...of not being worthy, of not having the self worth to be in my home...I know it's stupid...but this is how I feel right now.

I have to say, I really believe that alot of it comes from my father dying, and that truly suprises me...I mean, I really didn't expect it to affect me like this. He wasn't a part of my life, I wasn't worth his time, or so it seemed. He always had better things to do than be with me...so what does that say about my worth as a person. I mean really...my mother, my father...the woman that raised me. They all chose others and other things over me, so, where does that put my worth as a person?

I really truly hate whinning and complaining...ask my kids. I am a big if you aren't going to do anything about the problem, then don't complain. I don't believe in feeling sorry for yourself...there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse, ALWAYS. I'm healthy, I'm warm, I'm fed, I'm clothed, I have a job, I have a home, most importantly...my children are also healthy, warm, fed and clothed. I have no reason to complain or whine, but some days...some days I just want to sit with my head in my hands and cry...maybe that is what I need to do, to sit and cry...

I realize that everyone needs release. D tells me constantly to relax, I just...can't. I don't know how! How studpid is that???

The really scary thing is that I know it hurts my relationships, both with D and the kids, but with others. I joke about it with some people and call it my "border collie" syndrome. Anyone that has had a border collie will understand. I feel the constant need to be busy, taking care of someone...anyone but me...I feel like I must take care of and make people happy to be allowed to remain.

I want to be done grieving...I want to be done being the little girl being told to be quiet...to get alone...to not be a burden and being told that I am a burden...I want my dragons to knit lace...to pay attention to something besides me...I don't want to be the little girl that people whispered about, how both her mother and father left her...

I want to know...or rather...understand why the people that were suppose to love me the most, chose others, including my ex-husband, over me. What is so wrong with me that they didn't want me? What did I do to make these people not want me?

It really sucks to be 5 again...then there is always the guilt.........