Radio Silence

I had no idea it had been over a year.

So, last November I was diagnosed as a Type II diabetic...I've been REALLY, REALLY angry for th most year.
I mea, I had lost 40 pounds and things went to crap...I have felt very cheated.

Monogamy

Monogamy means different things to different people. To some it means that there is one and only one romantic partner...to some monogamy means boring and tiresome...to crafters...monogamy is a highly controversial thing...

As a partner, I am painfully monogamous...I'm old dog loyal to my partner...and I expect the same from him.

As a crafter...I tend to be a hussy...I have so many projects started...so many things in the works...there are soooooo many patterns and projects...

I have about decided to try craft monogamy...Yes, that's what I said...project monogamy.

I really like the idea of finishing things...and I need some control...ok...I need a lot of control.

I gave up guilt for Lent and well, I have decided to continue with the giving up of guilt...no one else seems to have guilt that makes them do anything...so...I refuse to feel guilt that is imaginary or that I create unnecessarily. I have given myself permission to be ok taking care of me and making decisions that make me happy...I have also decided that it's ok if I get angry or sad or blue...I just need to deal with the issues.

I find as I age that I am craving healthier things...That I want to have some order and control.

I will be posting pictures in a few days of the projects that I am going to practice monogamy with...I hope that it works.

Take care and be happy...TTFN...off to tend the dragons...

Getting things together...

I don't know if anyone ever looks here anymore...or if they ever did. If you did, I apologize for the downtime...

In the movie "Coalminers Daughter" there is a part in the movie when Loretta Lynns character tells her fans that "either you run your life or your life runs you"...as in the movie...my life has definitely been running me...and it's time for a change.

I have days when I am so angry, I don't know why, but if you could power the world with anger, I could power the world...Other days, I am so sad that all I want to do is sit and cry...

For the last few months I have been trying to work on eating cleaner and healthier...for those of you who have read my blog and last years attempt at weight loss...yeah not so good.

I topped out at 322.8 pounds. This morning I weighed in at 294.4 pounds. Not too bad. It has been slow, but I have been able to maintain which is important. I am almost at a 10% loss. I find this exciting and motivating. I hope to continue to loose a bit, the doctor says 93 to 115 lbs. I laugh at her...a lot...At the high end, if you can call 115 lbs the high end that is 208 lbs. of weight loss.  Basically 2 people.

I am proud to say that my lateral tears are healing quite nicely and I started walking pretty regular, but my car broke down and I haven't been able to walk for a while...We have an elliptical, but did you know that you can be too short for an elliptical? you can and I am.

I am still in school and after talking with the advisor can see the end of the tunnel, but I have decided to extend the tunnel and upon graduating NWACC move on to JBU to complete a 4 year bachelors and to take the CPA.

I still work at Mocking Bird Moon as the Knit Dr. and love that. I teach classes and if anyone is interested will start a sock class in April and another "Unpattern" class in May, sign up is available now.

I have dubbed 2013 as take care of me and so far I have worked pretty hard to do that. I decided to give up my own imagined guilt. Some days are easier than others, but so far so good.

I have many projects working and will start posting more often with pictures and the like.

I will also be posting about some of the changes that I am working on making.

With a birthday on Monday, I intend to use it more as my "New Years" than I did January 1.

More to come and I promise, it won't be as long as it has been...

Gotta tend the dragons...TTFN

All I Can Say...

Yes...tonight...from the start...

It was me...from the pump action to the judge bored "stiff" and his shocked court clerk...it was me...

TTFN!

WOO HOO!!!

Finally!!!

After almost 2 years!!!! I Got A JOB!!!!!

Today was my first day and it was a good first day!  It feels like a good fit and I am looking forward to going back tomorrow.

Thank you to all that kept the good job mojo coming all this time!

Also, on the knitting front...

This weekend I will be launching a new group on Ravelry.  I will post a link to it here as soon as I get it done. I was going to do it today....but...I had to WORK!!!

Gotta tend the dragons...TTFN

Tuesday

I am proud to say that it wasn't me...

Of course, I am told that the bigger the group the less likely it is going to be me...

TTFN...

Dark and gloomy

It's funny. As much as things change, things really do stay the same. 

I have been very slack on posts recently and I apologize, but things got dark for me. I realize that there are millions of people out there that are depressed and can't see any light at the end of the tunnel...there are millions that are much worse than I am...but for me life has been a bit dark.

After trying kinda hard to loose weight, mother nature kind of took over and I gained a lot of weight really quickly. A lot, like 25 pounds in 2 months, a lot. I got really, really blue...maybe even black.

School kicked my ass last semester, I had a major block with intermediate algebra...I pulled a C...go figure. I knew something was wrong the day that I had a total crying, I threw my book melt down after working on the same problem for 5 days and had a tutor tell me to "just think about it. It's easy." D came home just in time to witness the meltdown.

My body stopped working, the fear of pregnancy was definiately there...no Aunt Flo for several months...went to the doctor to find out that why yes, Ms. Menopause was at the door...I have to say, I was not ready to hear that...

Needless to say that I have been trying to figure a few things out...to figure out what I want and where I want to go...what I want to do...

For the first time in my life I am very self conscouse about how I look...I guess weighing about 330 pounds on a 5 feet tall, small bone structure frame will do that...I look back at the TV shows about the 1000 pound people and we all ask, "OH MY GOD! How does that happen?!"...It happens when you quit caring and the people around you try to help and you sneak food and ignore their pleas for you to help yourself...You don't eat and take care of your self because you hate yourself, then you eat to feel better and then you hate yourself all the more for eating...viscous cycle.

I have begun to go to behavioral health to "talk it out"...to deal with the aggressions that I have...apparently, I have a lot of aggression and anger that causes the dark times...Funny thing is though, that I am pretty sure I know more about my thearapist than she knows about me...She says I am good at redirecting conversation away from myself...D says I blatantly don't answer questions about myself.

Mood swings suck...not sleeping sucks...being angry and sad sucks...being fat sucks...trying to change it all sucks...

We went on vacation to the beach and I equate all of this suckiness to climbing sand dunes...you work hard to climb to the top, only to have the sand shift and send you sliding back down the dune to the bottom...

So far, I've gotten back up and tried to keep climbing...most days I REALLY don't want to...I want to stay in bed and shut out the world...fortunately...my family won't allow that...

Thank God for my family...TTFN