I can't believe that I am turning 40!

I don't remember putting in the application to become an adult...I REALLY don't remember ever asking to turn 40, which I will on Friday. Someone stop the bus, I missed my stop!

I guess that I am a bit of an odd duck. I find that the birthday's that end with either a "5" or a "0" are really hard for me. It's really strange. I have always been like that. 15 was hard, 20 sucked, 25 was awful...30 I still haven't recovered from...there is a hell of a story behind 30, 35 I cried all week...and now 40...Good Lord.

My very dear friend N asked me the other day how I felt about turning 40...I thought it was an excellent question...Hmmmm...how do I feel turning 40???

I have to say that in the grand scheme of things that I never thought that at 40 I would be unemployed, starting basically over, 300 lbs...aka...morbidly obese, nor did I expect to have a grandchild on the way. I didn't expect to be as blue as I am these days...I am sure that I can pinpoint a few reasons that I am blue, but hey, knowing I am blue is half the battle. I didn't expect at 40 to acquire a weight related injury...the so called "heal spur" is not really a heal spur...it is a pain caused by lack of arch support and being overweight...especially in women. At 40 I didn't expect to have to pluck everyday because of the lack of estrogen or the presence of testosterone. I really didn't expect my attitude to be as tainted and bad as it is at this very moment in time. To name just a few.

On the flip side of this grand scheme of things...I'm gonna be a Nana!! Pretty cool stuff. Timing could definitely been better, but mommy and baby are both good. R, my oldest daughter, for the first time in a very, very long time...is ok. She tells me that for the first time in a very long time she can just breath...That fact alone makes all other things pail in comparison. There were many days that I really, really worried that she would do something awful. On being unemployed...well, the job market sucks...no one is calling for interviews...I am giving thought to the fact that maybe I should take this time to go back to school. On being morbidly obese...well, I must have enough to have food in the house or I wouldn't be 300 lbs...the weight related injury...yeah...God's way of saying maybe it's time I do something different...Got the message. My bad attitude and being blue...well, hopefully these will pass...of course menopause lasts how long???

I find that I am very restless these days and crave change. Which for me is really strange as I hate change and surprises. April Fool baby here...yes, that's right...my birthday is April 1. I had sick friends in high school too...

There are days that I feel really weary and old, but for the most part I think blue sums it up.

I have been very introverted this week. Thinking about things and things that I would like to change. There has to be some change in my life or I am going to snap...I just have to figure out what the changes are going to be.

Now...on a lighter note...

I was very excited to receive an email from Leslie the author of the wonderful blog "A Friend to Knit With" asking if I would like a drop spindle...Yes, yes I would!! It came yesterday! What a wonderful way to start the week before my birthday than with a gift!!

I started to pre-draft the roving when it dawned on me that I needed to take a picture of it. I have to say that I found getting started with it a lot easier than I expected to. I think it is really very cool to be able to create yarn while watching TV or talking without being tied to a wheel. Mind you I love my wheel, but I will definitely be using this drop spindle a lot. I can see adding more drop spindles to create a new obsession...I mean collection. The drop spindle also seems to interest my daughter S. Who knows? We may have a spinner out of her yet?!

There has been knitting around the home front. I mentioned above that I am going to be a Nana...and every good knitting Nana has to knit. I found this lovely pattern, "Baby Blanket Latvian Garden". I think that this is a beautiful blanket.  So, I looked through the projects, found one that was done in Knit Picks Palette yarn and well...the crazy ensued. Hence my naming Josiah's blanket "Crazy Train". 

 Rachel has a really interesting sense of color and really doesn't want to have "tradition" baby colored things.  Well, I can truly understand that. There is only so much pastel green, yellow and blue a person can stand. So, when I originally asked her what color she would like her baby blanket she said yellow and orange...I have to say...these would not be my first choices, but it is her baby.

So, while I started a different blanket, I was cruising around Ravelry and found the Latvian pattern and ordered varying shades of oranges, she always liked green I love chocolate and blues...basically everyone is happy!!

Happily, Rachel was here when I received the package from Knit Picks and was very happy both with the color and the pattern!! SCORE for mom.


So far the pattern has been pretty easy and fun. So I hope to have it completed well before August when Josiah is supposed to make his debut...and hopefully I can finish Coming Home for Rachel too!

Gotta tend the dragons...TTFN!

I wish it was Wednesday

You ever find days when you feel incredibly lonely in a house full of people?

I really with it was Wednesday...then I could go knit with my friends...

Contemplation

It's really funny to sit here typing...I have been thinking about posting for several days now...such a slacker.

I have hit almost month 4 of unemployment...it still sucks ass. My quiet little world has somewhat turned upside down with the addition of 3 people, a dog and two fish...that's ok though. I love the additions, I always wanted a big family.

I turn 40 this year...yes, I know...women hit 40 everyday...buy why is it really hard to have the "0" and "5" birthdays? I mean, am I the only one that contemplates what milestones these are? Surely not...I can't be...can I?!

I have been really, really tired lately. I can't really figure it out, I'm not doing anything to get tired...then it dawned one me...

I am so blue...I have started to notice the tell-tale signs that it's happening...not wanting to dress, not wanting to shower...yes it's gross...not wanting to leave the house and yet wanting to fly apart because I need to get out of the house...rushing around at 3 pm to dress because D will be home soon...it's scary and in the same time...comforting...

I have hit the point that at least I recognize these things are happening...so I can get a handle on it...

I have started setting daily goals for myself...this seems to help. I have cleaned and purged my room...I planted roses and peonies...little things, but accomplishments just the same.

The stress I feel is incredible. I don't think that D realizes just how stressed I am about not having a job...I know he is stressed.

I need to just breathe...

It's really funny to me...the bluer I get, the more complicated things that I try to find to do. I have a big project that I am going to be starting next week. I have hopes that the "Crazy Pond"...at least that is what my friends are calling it...will help me shake the blues...more on the project next week.

I will also be posting some things in my life that I am going to try and change in the next few days...things are changing around here...let's hope that I have it in me to complete the trip...